A happy man must have

• A happy man must have
A woman who cooks and cleans
A woman who has good money
A woman who like to have sex
and ensure these 3 never meet

 
• Mom asked her daughter who was about to get married, Do you know the meaning of Mangal Sutra?
Daughter: Its a license to do Kama Sutra
 
• “I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can’t afford to get pregnant!” said Preeto to Jeeto.
“But I thought you said your husband, Banta, had a vasectomy,” Jeeto responded.
“He did. That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant
 
• Q: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home
 
• Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met
 
• Q:Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper
 
• Q: What’s the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
A: They’re both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them
 
• In a rape trial, the lawyer asked the victim, ” Did you scream for help?”
The victim replied, ” Yes Sir!”
The lawyer further enquired, “Did anyone come?”
The victim shyly replied, ” Yes Sir, first I did, then he did.”
 
• Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, “Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?”
The other replies, “Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!”
 
• Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?”
 
• A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?”
He says, “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
 
• Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
“But he acts so stupid,” said one to the other. “I think he must have his brains between his legs.”
“Yeah,” her friend sighed, “but I’d sure love to blow his mind.”
 
• The local care center for seniors has begun giving viagra to the old men each night…It seems it keeps them from rolling out of bed.
 
• As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, “Have you just gotten out of prison?”
“Yeah,” the guy replied. “How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?”
“Partly.” She said. “But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, ‘YOUR TURN.'”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
A: If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller… but if you lick a penis it becomes bigger!
 
• When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.
 
• A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, “Come this way.”
The woman replied, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need a vibrator!”
 
• The first old man: “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old man: “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said: “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
 
• An older man was getting upset at paying a urologist to tell him what was wrong, only to be asked what seems to be the problem.
The man answered, “I think I have Cabbage Disease.”
The Doctor scratched his head stating he never heard of that before and asked what the symptoms were.
The man looked at the doctor and said, “The stem don’t support the head!”
 
• Did you hear about the England international player who had a date with a referee’s daughter?
She penalised him three limes – for handling, interference and trying to pull off a jersey
 
• Q: What do a condom and a coffin have in common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs – except one’s coming and one’s going
 
• Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism
 
• Q:What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
A: The Elephants foreskin
 
• Q: What’s the difference between meat and fish?
A: If you beat your fish, it’ll die
 
• There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant
 
• The company sergent is briefing the recruits: “For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you…”
 
• Q: How do you tell an old man?
A:It isn’t hard
 
• Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because it would look silly with six inches
 
• Banta: Was your wife a virgin when you married?
Santa: I don’t know. Some say yes. Some say no
 
• An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
‘What are you doing’ he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover ‘I told you he was stupid’
 
• Dear doctor, both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
 
• Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A: A cock that stays up all night
 
• Q: What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
 
• Son, “Mom, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied his mother.
Son, “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
 
• Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don’t have balls to scratch
 
• Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men
 
• Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants
 
• Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door
 
• Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag
 
• Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
 
• Teacher: Use “harassment” in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’
 
• Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak)
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on her’s?
A: Nothing. They’re both screwed
 
• Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them to remember which end they need to wipe
 
• Q: What does a drowned man have in common with a pregnant woman?
A: He didn’t get out in time
 
• Q: Did you hear that Banta had eight vasectomies?
A: He had to… his wife kept getting pregnant
 
• Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
 
• Q:Why don’t girls like to date basketball players?
A: You never know if they’re going to dribble or shoot
 
• Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that thing?
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you
 
• Q: What did Adam say to Eve ?
A: You’d better stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets
 
• Q: What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A: Sheep
 
• Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant

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