• A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver, “Hey, do you have room for a 6 pack of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?”
“Sure, plenty of room,” says the cabbie.
So the man leans over into the front seat … and pukes.
• A cop stops a drunk him and asks:
Where you going?
I’m going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?
My wife and mother-in-law!
• Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I’ll take the shit with garlic.
And I’ll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don’t like to have bad breath.
• Doctor, I always am afraid of anything without any reason.
Take this drug three times daily (gives a purgative) and you’ll have the reason!
• A nurse in hospital asks the patient with broken-down head:
Date of birth?
06 September 1965.
No. Car accident.
• A psychiatrist says to his patient, “So, you say that you’re happy to pay your taxes…And when did this start?”
• A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, “Take me to The Piccadely Hotel.”
The taxi driver turned round and said, “But we are at The Piccadely Hotel, we’re parked right outside it.” ‘That’s fine then, but next time, don’t drive so damn fast!”
• What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
• A blonde’s response to the comment, “THINK about it!”
“I don’t have to think – I’m blonde!”
• At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying “You are next, you are next.”
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals…!!
• Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Bhatti: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.
• Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
• A morning dialogue:
Butt, “Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years younger.”
Preeto, “But can you shave in the evening then?”
• Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”
“Order, order,” said the Irish judge. “You seem to forget that I am in the room.”
• Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.”
Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit.
• God thought that since he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother-in-law
• Q: Why did the tomato turned red?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.
• What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• A recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, “I think I’ll just go and shoot myself.”
The sergeant said, “Better take a couple of extra bullets!”
• Height of Patriotism: U sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.
• Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
• Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
• Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
• Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
• Q: How is an ear of corn like an army?
A: It has lots of kernels.
• “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”
“Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
“A judge told him.”