A man in a bar

 
• A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, ‘All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!’ A man at the front of the bar stands up and says ‘Hey! I resent that!’
So the first man asks, ‘Why are you a lawyer?’
‘NO! I’m an asshole!’
 
• Q: What’s the biggest tragedy in the movie Sholay?
A: Well, first of all the Thakur’s wife dies & then to make matter worse Gabbar cut off Thakur’s hand
 
• A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing…..
 
• Mother was scolding the daughter, “I don’t like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb”.
“No, momma,” she said, “He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology
 
• Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn’t come means you are in big trouble
 
• Q: Why sperm donation is more expensive rather than blood donation?
A: Because it’s HANDMADE
 
• Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, “Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?”
She answers, “Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so.”
A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, “Why Gomer, that isn’t my belly button!”
Gomer answers exuberantly, “Sur—-prise! Sur—prise!!!! That ain’t my finger neither! Gollllllyyyyyy…….
 
• Q: “What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement?” asked Julie.
A: “Well,” Sharon confirmed, “Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.”
 
• Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes
 
• Doing business with you is like wearing a condom, it gives one a feeeling of faith and security while getting screwed…
 
• A prostitute goes to a Bank to deposit a 1000 rupee note.
The teller says,’Sorry Madam, the note is a fake.
”Oh my God! exclaimed the prostitute,’I have been raped.’
 
• Q: Why does Banta dislike making love to virgins?
A: Because he is against bloodshed
 
• Q: What is the similarity between men and mice?
A: The pussy gets both of them in the end
 
• Q: What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: Both are for stiffs except one is for coming and the other for going
 
• Ant and elephant share a night of romance. Next morning, ant wakes up and sees the elphant is dead. Damn, says the ant; one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave
 
• Next time you wave, use all your fingers
 
• Man goes to hospital for a periodic check-up, only to be told that he has cancer of the penis. He goes home and beats his wife and shouts angrily- I told you to stop smoking
 
• Q: What’s the height of recyling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for drycleaning
 
• A girl taps a boy on his ass and enquires, ” how come you have such a strong ass?”
The boy replies, “One needs a strong hammer to drive a long nail home!
 
• At work, girl complains to her boss that she’s been sexually harrassed.
“A guy smells my hair every morning and comments that they smell very nice.”
The boss enquires, “Then what’s wrong?”
The girl retotrs back, “he’s a dwarf.”
 
• Q: How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A: Milk them both, the one that smiles is the bull
 
• Santa and his wife, Jeeto are watching boxing on TV.
Santa sighs and says, ” I’m disappointed! It was all over in 2 minutes!”
Jeeto retorts, “Good! Now you know how I feel!”
 
• Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl’s skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy’s hand
 
• Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day!!
 
• An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. Doc: “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered: “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”
Doc: “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman: “That’s allright. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
 
• “Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. “Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” the blonde replied, “but not by a doctor!”
 
• A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. “Why did you choose gynecology?” she asked.
He said simply, “There’s lots of openings.”
 
• Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?”
The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, ‘I ama Genie. I can grant u you only one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit!'”
 
• Gone are the days when booze was booze, pussy was pussy, boss was boss & king was king. Now pussy is king, booze is boss & the boss is a pussy
 
• Prostitute: doc, my hole is too big.
Doctor looks into the hole & says GOD…GOD…GOD…
Prostitute: Why are you repeating the word God?
Doctor: It was an ECHO!
 
• Doc: Why your knees all blistered ? Lady: Because of doggy style sex!
Doc: Can’t you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, Doc, but the dog can’t!
 
• Customer to buxom waitress after reading her name tag: “Susan’, thats cute. What did you name the other one?”
 
• Yesterday’s news- A nun jogging at the park was raped.
Today’s news- Hundreds of nuns are jogging at the park!!
 
• Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A: They both have ornamental balls
 
• Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
A: Because he was caught drinking on the job
 
• Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling
 
• Banta: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Banta: I just did, you stupid bastard
 
• A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence…it protects the property without obstructing any of the view
 
• There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
“I’ll get the door,” says the first ovary.
She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?” No why?” asks the other ovary.
“Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”
 
• A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… “I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”
 
• There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what’s the problem?
 
• The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. “Don’t be alarmed,” she said, “I’m a nudist.”
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. “How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Eighteen,” the lady replied.
“Lady,” he gasped, “You’re not a nudist, you just don’t have time to get dressed!”
 
• Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said. “Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”
 
• A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!”
“That’s no ring! That’s my wristwatch.”
 
• What’s the similarity between walking on the edge of Mt. Everest & getting blow job from an 85-yr old woman?
Whatever you do don’t look down
 
• Banta asks his wife, “Tell me a joke in which im not involved?
Preeto, “I’m pregnant!!”
 
• Harry still enjoyed chasing girs when he got 70. His wife was asked if she minded.
She said, “Why should I be upset. Dogs chase cars, but they cant drive

 
• Condoms say to Whisper: When you work, my business is in loss for four days.
Whisper replies: If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months
 
• A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”
 
• 3 women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”
Second woman says, “I am too but we use the rhythm method.”
Third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”
“Whats that??”, the others ask.
“Well, I’m 5’1″… and my husband is 5’2″. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him!”
 
• A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, “Gee, you’re fat!”
The fat man said, “Yeah.”
The second man asked, “How long’s it been since you’ve seen your dick?”
The fat man answered, “Long time.”
The second man asked, “Why don’t you diet?”
The fat man asks, “Why? What color is it now?”
 
• Q: Why did the Scottish farmer take his sheep to the edge of the cliff?
A: They push harder that way
 
• A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
“Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I’m sexually fit”, he says to the doctor.
“O.K.”, says the medic, “let me see your sex organs.”
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
 
• A woman answers the phone in a busy office, “Good morning, Parachute Club.” Santa replied, “Excuse me, but isn’t this Prostitute Club?” “Oh no sir,” came the embarrassed reply, “this is Parachute Club.” “Damn!” said Santa. “I’m afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week.”
 
• Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.
“I agree. We’ll grab her…” said the second.
“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”
 
• A waiter brings a lady her vegetable soup, and his thumb is hooked over the cup. She says, “Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.”
He says, “Yeah. I got arthritis and the heat makes it feel better.”
She says, “Well, why don’t you stick it up your ass?”
He says, “I do that in the kitchen.”
 
• An eccentric old woman had two poodles that she was very attached to. One day they both died. She decided that in order to remember them she would have them stuffed, so she took them to a local taxidermist.
“Would you like them mounted, madam?” asked the taxidermist.
“Goodness, no. Just holding paws.”
 
• Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month
 
• All boobs are to be taxed as per size;
38-Burden tax
36-Wealth tax
35-Entertainment
34-Excitement
30-Development tax
 
• Girl: Doctor, my boobs are hard & aching.
Doctor: Let me see.
Doctor feels them & make face.
Girl: Is it bad?
Doctor: Not only bad but its contagious too! Now my dick is hard & aching
 
• A camel met an elephant & elephant asked, “Why do you have your boobs on your back?
The camel replied, “What a silly question from someone having dick on his face”
 
• A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is very badmash (naughty), because he made our housemaid pregnant..! Ask how?
Badmash punctured all my condoms with pin
 
• A policewoman taking a bath but forgot her panties. She calls her for police dog to fetch it. She let the dog smell her pussy, the dog came back with her baton
 
• Teacher: Why are you rubbing oil on your head while I am teaching?
Boy: Last night I heard my mum tell my dad, rub oil on the head if it’s not going in
 
• Q: What did Stayfree tell to condom?
A: Boss if you fail, both of us will be out of business for next 9 months
 
• Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t
 
• What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
Slut is the one who gives it to everybody, and the bitch is the one who doesn’t gives it to you
 
• Santa give twelve roses to his wife, Jeeto, who is thrilled with Santa’s action She undresses, lies down spreads her legs and says this is for the roses.
Santa: Why, can’t you find a vase
 
• A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.
“How hard is it?” she asks.
About as hard as my dick.” he replies.
“Ok, then pour me some.”
 
• Q: What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming
 
• A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think I could have a urine test done?”
 
• A couple was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.
When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”
His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass.
 
• Q: Have you heard where many seniors are opting to spend their second or even third honeymoons?
A: Viagara Falls
 
• Last night I tried a Viagra for the first time. When I swallowed it, it got stuck in my throat. This morning I awoke with a stiff neck!
 
• American men say: Women are like cigar, throw them and they are finish
French say: They are like wine glass, break them and they are finish
Punjabi say: They are like cassettes, turn to side B and side A finishes

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