• A man visits the doctor. The doctor says “I have bad news for you.You have AIDS and Alzhiemer’s disease”.
The man replies “Well,thank God I don’t have AIDS!”
• Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
• Guy: Baby, drinking makes you beautiful.
Gal: I don’t drink.
Guy: I do
• Boss in government department: Why didn’t you take the leave due to you this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest.
• Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
• Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7, 8, 9 !!!
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son, I’m still paying”
• “Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”
“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”
• When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
• Q: Can you do anything that other people can’t?
A: Sure, I can read my handwriting.
• A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, “What will you take….30 days or $30.
“The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”
• Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
• Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!
• Q: Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A: Outlaws are wanted!
• The president of the service club asked his new member, “Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?”
The new member replied, “Yes, my mother-in-law.”
• A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”
“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”
• They’re the perfect match, he’s a history teacher and she likes dates.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.
• Q: What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine’s Day?
A: You’re fun to hang around with!
• A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, “Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What should we buy her? She would like something electric.”
The husband replies, “How about a chair?!?”
• A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
• Q: A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?”
A: He replied, “No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected I promise’.”
• Q: What do bees do with their honey?
A: They cell it.
• Q: What’s the definition of bravery?
A: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
• Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• Husband: ‘Shall we try a different position tonight?’
Wife: ‘That’s a good idea. Why don’t YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I’LL sit on the sofa and fart’.
• By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.
“Why are you so late?” his friend asked.
“I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.”
“How long could that have taken you?”
“Well, I had to toss it 15 times.”
• The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train.
He appealed to the conductor: “Can’t you go any faster than this?”
“Yes,” was the serene reply, “but I have to stay aboard.”
• While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this question:
“Person to notify in case of an accident.”
Finally he wrote, “Anybody in sight.”
• Q: What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
A: They both are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to see either one!
• After a deep passionate kiss, the girl whispers to the guy, ” Kiss me like that once more and I will be yours forever!”
The guy exclaims, ” Thanks for the warning!”
• If you cross a chicken with a zebra you get a four legged dinner with a barcode.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• Q: What is a man’s idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
• Little Billy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard.
“But everyone pees in the pool,” said Billy.
“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”
• An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse he’s been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, “Maybe, but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”