• A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”
• A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
• Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!
• A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
• Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
• A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony’s railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
“Stop him! Stop the bastard!” they shout. “Help the poor woman!”
“She is my mother-in-law,” the man on the balcony says.
“Ah… Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!”
• Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
• Q: What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?
A: Seasonal work.
• The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
• Height of possesiveness: Constipation !!
• Height of honesty: Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare.
• Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Kargil, 1999.”
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”
• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
• When in life, you wake up and you don’t see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
• A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
• During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”
• The Judge said to the defendant. “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
• True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and asking …
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
• Why are all those people running?
They are running a race to get a cup.
Who will get the cup?
The person who wins.
Then why are all the others running?
• Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, “Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary.”
“But honey,” replied the groom, “you used to be a secretary yourself.”
“Yes,” she continued, “and that’s why I want you to fire her!”
• “How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”
• Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, “Whatever my Mom tells him to.”
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• Professor to noisey students: “Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks.”
• A doctor says to a patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!”
• Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.
• When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
• A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
Listener, “She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won’t she?”
“Sure,” replied the man.
“Well, won’t they find out?”
The man shrugged. “But who’ll tell?”
• Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
• An English professor announced to the class; “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.”
From the back of the room a voice called out, “So, what are the words?”
• The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!”
“What are you worried about?” the other said. “We’re both here.”
• An interviewer asked, “Can you operate a typewriter?”
“Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system.”
“I never heard of it.”
“Seek and ye shall find.”
Have a great day!!
• Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”
• Dave jumped up from the card table white with rage.
“Stop this game,” he shouted, “Joe is cheating!”
“How do you know?”
“He’s not playing the hand I dealt him!”
• The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow
• It isn’t widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
• The good news: Saddam is facing the Death Penalty.
The bad news: Beckham’s taking it !!
• A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said, “Your wife’s mind has completely gone!”
To which the man replied, “I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!”
• “My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food…
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.