• A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.”
“You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’
• A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”
• An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
“Shit!” says the ant. “One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!”
• A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried.
“Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig testily. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”
• Husband says; “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”
• When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
• Two drunks, Bhatti and Butt, were walking home along the railway tracks.
Butt says: There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.
Bhatti: I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down.
• Q: Why couldn’t the peanut butter cross the road?
A: Because there was a traffic jam
• Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because he was a little horse
• Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A:So he won’t be spotted
• Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday
• Q: Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
A: Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
• Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
• A couple goes to the Doctors office, the man who has a hearing problem is there for a physical, the doctor tells the man he will need a urine and stool sample, The man says Hunh ! The docor repeats himself I will need a urine and stool sample, hunh ! this time the man looks at his wife and asks what did he say?
The wife answers in a loud voice “HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR
• A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
A: A white horse fell in the mud
• Bhatti: Why are all those people running?
Butt: They are running a race to get a cup.
Bhatti: Who will get the cup?
Butt: The person who wins.
Bhatti: Then why are all the others running?
• Son: “I know what the Bible means!”
Father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”
Son replied, “I do know!”
“Ok,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”
• Bhatti: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Jeeto: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Bhatti: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Jeeto: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
• A motorist confessed to a farmer, “Unfortunately I’ve run over your rooster – but I’ll replace it, of course.”
“Okay,” said the farmer, “Then be here tomorrow morning at four o’clock sharp.”
• “Tell me Doctor,” asked Bhatti, “When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn’t it rush to my feet?
“That’s because your feet aren’t empty,” replied the Doctor.
• Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyer hostage? They threatened to release one lawyer every hour unless their demands were net
• “Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
• “Mr Butt, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife Rs 10,000 a month.”
“That’s very generous and fair of you, your honour,” Butt said.
“And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”