An older couple is ready to go to sleep

 
• An older couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies on the floor.
The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change”
 
• Q: What does Viagra have in common with Disneyland?
A: One-hour wait, two-minute ride
 
• Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get frisky?”
The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”
“What do you do about it?”
“I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
 
• Q: What’s the ultimate embarrassment for a guy?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose
 
• A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman.
The next day the headlines read: “Nut Bolts and Screws”
 
• What did one ovary say to the other one?
“Did you order any furniture?”
“No. Why?” asked the other.
“Cause there’s two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ”
 
• Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: I don’t know why you’re shaking…she’s gonna eat me
 
• Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts
 
• Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn
 
• Boy to girl: Darling, what is rape?
Girl: It’s the wrong man at the right place
 
• Q: Have you heard about the new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
A: One cup and you’re up all night
 
• A man is on a train and is carrying three babies. The lady sitting next to him asks, “Are they your babies?”
The man lowers his head and says, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints”
 
• A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”
He replies, “No.”
She responds, “Oh, thank goodness, I don’t want to get that again”
 
• What happened to your face, Preeto?
I was beaten mercifully by my husband, Banta.
Banta? I thought he is out of town these days.
Unfortunately, I thought the same too
 
• Banta was in his apartment wearing only the slips. His wife, Preeto, said, “Dress up, guests must be coming every moment.”
“Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me.”
“Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you”
 
• Q: Why does law of society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service
 
• Q: Why do lawyers and prostitutes do not engage in sex? A: Because there would be a dispute on who would charge
 
• Q: What’s blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a mosquito, it will stop sucking
 
• Q: What is the difference between a Micro-wave oven and a woman?
A: Micro-wave oven does not scream when you put a piece of meat in it
 
• Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under
 
• Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death…
 
• Secret of long life…
Morning 2 eggs
Evening 2 pegs and
Night 2 legs
 
• The Dean of Women of girls school was lecturing on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A girl rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
 
• Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift
 
• Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her Legs
 
• Jeeto lying nude on the bed with her legs wide apart asks Santa, “Do you know what it means?”
Santa says, “Yes, it means that you need the whole bed to sleep”
 
• A Roman girl asks an Egyptian boy, “What can you do for me?”
The boy replies, “Come behind the pyramid, I shall make you a mummy”
 
• Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken
 
• Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going
 
• A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst
 
• Girl to Mom: when I see the neighbour’s son, my bra tightens.
Mom: Next time, don’t wear the bra, his pant would tighten
 
• “That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbour.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did… though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops
 
• Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power
 
• Q: What’s a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to prevent pregnancy
 
• Woman stands in front of a mirror and tells her husband, “I’m ugly. My boobs are sagging, and my arse is too fat. Give me a compliment.”
The hubby retorts, “Your eyesight is fucking spot on”
 
• Friends are like underwear – always a comfort.
Good friends are like condom – always protecting.
Great friends are like viagra – lift you up when you are down
 
• A kiss is called:
Humanity if its on cheek,
Love if its on lips,
Passion if its on breast,
Sensuous if its on navel,
Sex if its on vagina,
and Bravery if its on asshole…
 
• Santa to Preeto: SMS me than SMS me.
Preeto: What is that?
Santa: Stimulate Me sexually than Satiate ME Sexually
 
• This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says, “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says, “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair”
 
• A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, “I’d like 99 condoms please”.
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, “99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!”
The guy replies, “Make it 100 then…”
 
• A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that 6 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too… they were laughing so hard
 
• Dracula dies and goes to Heaven. God asks him, what does he want to be?
He replies, “A thing with wings, that sucks peoples’ blood…”
God makes him WHISPER ULTRA WITH WINGS
 
• What similar things would you want in your coffee and girl friend?
Should be hot
Should be rich
Should be creamy
Should be able to keep you awake all night!
 
• Patient: “Doc, you gotta help me. I’m under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.”
Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.”
Patient: “I just did, you fucking jackass”

 
• Q: What’s hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T?
A: A coconut
 
• A couple just married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with hole and she was happy with the thing
 
• “How embarrassing,” said the blond, “The party invitation plainly said ‘Black Tie Only’. When I showed up, everyone was wearing suits too.”
 
• Three things in Golf that sound dirty: After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
Lift your head and spread your legs.
Damn, I missed the hole again
 
• Q: Why was Iraq war like anal sex?
A: It was an invasion you couldn’t see.
It was painful without oil.
No way did you see Bush at the front
 
• Q: Why was Philip’s girlfriend disappointed?
A: Because she found out that Philips 14″ was a television
 
• Q: What arte the 3 words men hate to hear during sex?
A: Are U done?

Q: What are the 3 words women hate to hear during sex?
A: Honey, I am home
 
• Three guys introduced to a girl.
Hi, I am Peter-not a Saint.
Second: I am Paul-not a Pope.
Third: I am John- not a Baptist.
The girl retorts back. Nice to see you all. I am Mary-not a Virgin
 
• Santa: I am tired of changing condom everyday.
Jeeto: Why don’t you get your dick laminated as you have done with your Cell phone
 
• Some gals beg and some gals borrow,
some gals lead and some gals follow,
some brings joy and some bring sorrow,
but best of all are girls that swallow
 
• Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing persons
 
• Q: To make it straight she pulls it, to make it stand she rubs it, to make it stiff she licks it, to let it in she pushes it. What is she doing? A: Threading a needle
 
• Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman’s underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both dissappear at night
 
• Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass
 
• Doc to man with leg burns: Two weeks of bed rest, two tubes of anti burn cream and viagra.
Man: Viagra? Is it good for burns?
Doc: No but it will keep the sheet off your legs
 
• A kid asked the priest, Father, what is your pastime?”
The priest tapped the kid’s shoulder and immediately answered, “Nun, my child, Nun!”
 
• Q: Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
 
• Teacher: Use “harrasment” in a sentence.
Johnnie: Her mouth said no but “her ass meant yes
 
• Once at a fancy dress party, a woman appears nude, painted fully white.
A man asks, “What are you?”
She replies, “I’m the mint with a hole!”
 
• Height of foolishness:
A woman bathing in a transparent bathroom and Santa looking through the key hole
 
• Santa giving speech to deaf people, rubs chest, touches groin and starts masturbating. When asked, he said, “It means ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…”
 
• Q: What’s common betwen men and video?
A: Both go backward… forward… backward… forward… backward…. forward… stop and eject

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