Have you heard

 
• Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends
 
• Q: Why doesn’t Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush
 
• Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick
 
• Q: Do you know why old gynaecologists are in the demand?
A: Because they have trembling fingers
 
• Q: Why do women like chocolate with nuts more than sex?
A: If they bite the nuts in the chocolate it doesn’t yell
 
• Q: Why is orgasm a 6 letter word? A: It’s easier to spell than…
Ohmygodyesnoohshityesdeeper yesgodnopleasenoshityesohfucknoyesyesyes ohgodfuckinghellyesyesyes
 
• Santa: Have you ever fucked your girlfriend in the other hole?
Banta: Are you mad? She’ll get pregnant
 
• A 75 year old man talking to his penis: we were born together, grown up together, enjoyed life together, had lots of fun together, then why did you die before me?
 
• It’s in the mixture: He offered her a scotch and soda, she declined. Then he offered her ascotch and sofa, she reclined
 
• Screatary to boss: All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I’m suing for discrimination
 
• A guy donated blood to his girl friend. After things got sour, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody tampon at him and says, I’ll pay you in the monthly instalments
 
• Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot
 
• Q: What do toys and tits have in common?
A: They’re both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them
 
• Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it – we’re closed
 
• Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a week
 
• Banta calls his wife, Preeto, from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
“Oh my God!!” cries Preeto. “The whole finger?”
“No,” replies the guy. “The one next to it!”
 
• Man: Bless me god, my son is an addict, my wife is a gambler.
God: Is there anything positive going on in you life.
Man: yes! I’m HIV positive
 
• Husband: What do you like, my charming face or my sexy body?
She takes a gud look at him from head to toe & reply: Your sense of humour
 
• Wife A: I hate my engineer husband, erect n erect…
Wife B: Mine is a Doctor, inject n inject…
Wife C: You both are lucky, mine is a lawyer! postpone n postpone!
 
• Q: What is the difference between sex and shave?
A: If you don’t do it for 4-5 days, it starts showing on the face
 
• Q: If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?
A: Two feet of my cock in your ass
 
• Woman, “Slow down, foreplay is an art.”
Man, “Well, if you don’t get your canvas arranged soon, I’m going to spill my paint!”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on
 
• A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says, “Open wide.”
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “this chair’s got arms”
 
• Q: What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
A: Ten feet of barbed wire
 
• Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went
 
• Q: Why are condoms like cameras?
A: They both capture the moment
 
• Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung
 
• Santa was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender’s attention.
He glanced at it and said, “It’s a ladybug.”
After a moment of stunned silence Santa, “Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!”
 
• Banta, “How do you protect yourself from AIDS?”
Santa, “I wear a condom all the time”
Banta, “Do you ever take it off?”
Santa, “Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!”
 
• A lady goes into a convenience store, “I need some batteries”
The guy, motioning with his finger, “Certainly, ma’am, just come this way.”
Mimicking his gesture she says, “If I could come this way, I wouldn’t need any batteries”
 
• At the card shop, a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head each time, muttering, “no.”
A clerk finally came over and asked, “And how may I help you?”
“I just don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
 
• Santa is traveling in the train compartment with a girl. He pulls out a plate and starts playing it “Ding. Ding.Ding.”
The girl gets annoyed, “You stop that.”
He stops. Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks at him and asks, “Do you want to do IT?”
Santa says, “Yes”.
“OK, Go ahead.”
Santa pulls out his plate and starts playing “Ding. Ding. Ding.”
 
• A woman of 55, was undressing in front of her husband. Suddenly she smiled and said, “Dr. told me for a woman of my age, my breasts are in terrific shape!”
Her husband looked at her and said, “Did he say anything about your big ass?”
Without missing a beat she answered, “No dear, he didn’t mention you at all”
 
• Lesbians can also take Viagra.
They don’t have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues
 
• Doc to a man with leg burns: Two weeks of bed rest, two tubes of anti burn cream and viagra. Man: Viagra? Is it good for burns? Doc: No but it will keep the sheet off your legs
 
• Q: What is the difference between a child and an egg?
A: Egg is an a result of a sitting hen, child is a result of a standing cock
 
• Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman
 
• Preeto goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, “You have acute vaginitis.”
She says, “Thank you”
 
• Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under
 
• Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them
 
• Q: What three two-letter words denote ‘small’?
A: Is it in?
 
• Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him, “When I catch your boyfriend, I’m going to shove this nightstick right up his ass.”
Just then a voice called out from behind a tree, “Officer, I’m over here.”
 
• Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years: I wonder how the girls are doing?”
 
• A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. “Sure!!”
She says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids…”
 
• Whats the best thing about babies?
MAKING EM
 
• Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde”
 
• “I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Jeeto.
“But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Preeto responded.
“He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution”
 
• The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.
She glanced down and said, “Nice design, does it also come in men’s sizes?”
 
• A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”
“How dare you,” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well then,” said the beggar, “What are you doing in my bed?”
 
• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does”
 
• The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she said. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour”
 
• Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?”
“No way, get your own,” said the groom, “this one’s all mine”
 
• A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady. She walks up to him and says, “They tell me that you people don’t wear anything under those kilts.”
The Scotsman says, “Feel and see for yourself.”
So she did and says, “Oh, that’s gruesome!”
He says, “Try it again, it grew some more”

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