I told my wife

 
• I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, “You did last night – three times!”
 
• Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
“Do you wash?” the doc asked the rank young girl.
“Oh, yes,” Mary answered. “Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible.”
“Well,” the doc concluded, “go home and wash possible.”
 
• The sexy secretary walked into her boss’s office & said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You aren’t sterile…..”
 
• Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!”
The second old fogey one-upped him. “My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.”
 
• A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said: Gee, you’re fat!
The fat man: Yeah.
The second man asked: How long’s it been since you’ve seen your dick?
The fat man answered: Long time.
The second man asked: Why don’t you diet?
The fat man asks: Why? What color is it now?
 
• A woman walks into a gynaecologist’s office who greets her with: At your cervix, madam!
The woman replies: Dilated to meet you!
 
• A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wie yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
 
• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking
 
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down
 
• “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
“Honey,” he continued, “what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
His wife thought for a moment, then replied, “That I married you for your money.”
 
• Q: What does a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
 
• Litte Boy: Daddy, where did I come from?
Daddy: You came from the stork
Little Boy: Ewww, you fuc ked a stork?
 
• A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man?
“My, yes,” the man giggled, “but it would take days & days”
 
• What do you do if you come across a girl in your bed?
Apologise and wipe it off!
 
• Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre: Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh’s highest paid call girl
 
• Did you hear that Elton John is getting a divorce…….Found out his husband was having sex behind his back
 
• As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, “How was your weekend?”
“I played a round of golf… I hit two of my best balls,” he replied.
“Tell me about it,” asked his co-worker.
“Well, er, I stepped on a rake”
 
• A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl’s chest and says, “Big breaths.”
The girl replies, “Yeth and I’m not even thixteen.”
 
• What did the Hen say when Rooster tried to rape her?
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckaaak
 
• Sant,a unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta’s advice.
While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change?
Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta
 
• Q: Why are babies so fragile?
A: They are put together with one screw.
 
• Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
One day we should get her for this, said the first boy.
I agree. We’ll grab her… said the second.
The third guy: And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!
 
• Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard.
 
• Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.
 
• What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
 
• Two prostitutes were talking:
We’re in the best business in the world
Why’s that then?
Well, we’ve got it, we sell it, and we’ve STILL got it!
 
• One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy says: No, but I’ve woken up with plenty
 
• A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.
Prostitute: I’m a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
 
• Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer doesn’t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
 
• A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: “205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210….”
 
• When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it’s like buying a book for someone else to read.
 
• The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.
 
• A French n a Brit gynecologists were chatting. French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That’s a lie, she wouldn’t be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.
 
• Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.
 
• A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written ‘Press’, so I just pressed…
 
• Signboard outside a prostitute’s house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy…
 
• A professor was asked to give a talk on Sex
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…”
And he sat back down.
 
• Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, “Good evening ladies.

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