Mom, hey

• Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!” The bride-to-be was ecstatic. “Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother. “Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.” • The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, “Where do babies come from?” Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, “From the stork of course!” The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, “But mom, who fucks the stork?” • A judge charged 10,800 fine to a man, when asked why 10,800 judge replied 10,000 for rape and 8% entertainment tax. • I hate it when people point to their wrists to ask for the time !! I mean, seriously, do I point to my crotch when I need a bathtroom?!?! • Q: Do you know who is the best goalkeeper in this world ? A: Women, no matter how much and which way you fuck her, your balls will never go in. • Breaking news: The latest gizmo to hit the market is a wallet made of Penis skin. When one rubs it, it expands to become a suitcase. • Two women were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!” • Pappu did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, “Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.” “How disgusting! I am sure your father could have done that.” “No ma’m, he couldn’t have. It has to be the Bull.” • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed “That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!” • Rich women are getting nose jobs, boob jobs, eye jobs — everything but actual jobs. • Q: What do u get when you have sex with a judge, a banker & an architect? A: Judge- Honorable discharge. Banker – premature withdrawal. Architect- illegal erection. • Q: What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? A: You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is. • Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes? A for Almost boobs B for Barely there C for Can do D for Damn good E for Enormous and F for Fake • Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies? He had to…. his wife kept getting pregnant. • An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. “I told you I haven’t got any money,” the spinster said, “but if you keep doing that, I’ll write you a check.” • Height of irritation: Hanging from a cliff with an ant on your balls. • The difference between your girlfriend & your wife: Your girlfriend touches your hair, your cock stands! Your wife touches your cock, your hair stands! • Three men were discussing wives. First says my wife is very cold. Second says mine is very hot. Santa says I am confused I think she is cold but people say she is hot. • Husband was in pain as a honeybee bite at his penis, wife pray o god please take the pain away but leave the swelling. • A priest saw a girl removin her blouse. He prayed. “God please close my eyes.” When he opened his eyes the girl was naked. This time he prayed, “God please close your eyes.” • A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation,” she said. “Is this true?” the counselor asked, turning to the husband. “Well, not exactly,” he replied. “She’s the one who suffers, not me.” • A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?” She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?” • Any relatively reasonable and good thinking man would wonder every evening: Should I go and look at what I cannot fuck or stay home and fuck what I cannot look at? • In a train, Santa’s son’s, Pappu’s top berth is taken by someone. His wife, Jeeto is on the middle berth. Santa complains to the TT, ” A man sleeping over my wife is not giving berth to my son.” • One blonde tells another blonde: “I’ve done a pregnancy test.” Asks the other blonde: “And, were the questions difficult?” • Q: What does PMS stand for? A: Penis Must Suffer • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed, “That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!” • “Great, just what I need,” she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. “One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.” • We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes – then they kicked us out of the showroom. • I hate it when people point to their wrist to ask for the time! I mean. seriously, do I point to my ‘Dick” when I need a rest room! • It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs…And the wife rolls over and plays dead. • A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it’s not to bright and it spreads easily. • Q: What’s the best form of birth control after 50? A: Nudity. • Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs. • Q: What’s the difference between a bar and a G spot? A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar. • A divorced man meets his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: “So… how do you like using second hand stuff?” To which the new husband replied: “It isn’t that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it’s all brand new.” • A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!” “Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.” • My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!……… So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat. • Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.” • There’s a fire at the whorehouse… …some come out running and others run out coming • The Englishman says, “I’ve got ten children, one more and I’ll have a football team.” The American says, “I’ve got fourteen children, one more and I’ll have a rugby team.” The Arabian says, “I’ve got seventeen wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course.” • A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. “Hey, let’s play a game” she said. “What game?” was his bored reply. “Let’s play hide’n’seek. I’ll give you a blow-job if you can find me.” “What if I can’t find you?” “I’ll be behind the piano.” • Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! • A man and his wife are f**king. 15 minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, “What’s the matter, darling, can’t you think of anyone else, either?” • Boy: Dad, what did you wear for safe sex? Father: A wedding ring. • A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity. Teacher, “Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?” Little Johnnie, “In the Garden of Eden?” • As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. “Do you know what time we quit around here ?” he asked. “Sure !” the girl nervously giggled. “Whenever somebody knocks on the door.” • “I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.” – J. Hutter • Q: Do you love me ? A: What do you think ? That I’m doing pushups?” • In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, “I got injured between the first and second hole.” “That’s a bitch,” said the other woman, “You will never get a band aid to stick there!” • Have you heard the one about the gay who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends? • Smoking reduces ur life by 5 mins. Sex increases ur life by 10 min. So the conclusion is that a f**king smoker never dies. • Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone else’s business! • Q: What is the similarity between a dick and a matchstick? A: Both have head without brains and they both flare up at slightest friction. • A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are assholes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an asshole.” • Q: What is the definition of old age? A: When it takes the whole night to do what you used to do the whole night! • Santa, “I am suffering with loose motions. Doctor, “Have you tried lemon Santa, “Yes I have but when I remove it, they continue.

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