Two blondes were walking

 
• Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”
 
• My wife always says to me, “Give me money, give me money.”
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
 
• A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
 
• A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”?
“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”
 
• A company held a contest for kids with the theme: “The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me.”
One kid answered “He married my mother.”
 
• A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach.
The man’s wife sarcastically said, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Sure it does,” he said. “How else could I see the numbers?”
 
• Preeto was almost in tears. “Oh Kanta,” she said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”
“I don’t believe it for one minute !” Kanta snapped.”You’re just saying that to make me jealous !!!”
 
• A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
 
• Tax Collector: Why don’t you pay your taxes with a smile?
Taxpayer: I’d love to, but you insist on money!
 
• Sign on Tombstone: “Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.”
 
• “I can’t find a cause for your illness,” the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” replied his blonde patient, “I’ll come back when you are sober.”
 
• Bhatti spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
 
• A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
His father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.”
 
• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You’re too young to be smoking!
 
• One day a dog was running behind a Bhatti… But Bhatti was laughing.
Butt asked, “Why you are so happy?
He said… “Ah Ah Ah….I have an Airtel mobile with me…But Still Hutch network is following me..”
 
• Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”
 
• Bhatti, “I am a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Butt, “What is he studying?”
Bhatti, “He’s not studying, they are studying him!”
 
• It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
 
• Q: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
A: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
 
• The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
 
• When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. –Marcel Achard
 
• Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They’re cramming for their finals.
 
• Q: What is a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between women an government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
 
• I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
 
• Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else’s wife.
 
• Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Bhatti: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
 
• The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, “All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, ‘I resign’.”
 
• Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
 
• A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs 250.
 
• Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, “I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
 
• Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
 
• Q: What’s the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
A: On one you’re thankful and on the other you’re prankful!
 
• Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A: Because they’ve just finished a long March!
 
• A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, when he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”
 
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child.
She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
 
• His wife said: “Be an angel and let me drive.” So he did, and now he is.
 
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
 
• Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
• A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die…
 
• The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
 
• A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased – what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad.
 
• If these pills don’t stop the kleptomania,” said the psychiatrist, “try and get me a nice video camera.

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