We spend the first

• We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up!
 
• Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there
 
• By the time Martin arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.
“Why are you so late?” his friend asked.
“I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.”
“How long could that have taken you?”
“Well, I had to toss it 14 times.”
 
• Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her
 
• The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
 
• Q: What is difference between man and Superman?
A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser
 
• Eve to Adam: What do you mean the kids don’t look like you?
 
• Q: What’s the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized
 
• Q: Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
A: “The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide”
 
• Joe: “My uncle knew a month before his death the exact date he was going to die.”
Moe: “How did he know?”
Joe: “The judge told him”
 
• “Tell me Doctor,” asked a patient, “When I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn’t it rush to me feet now?”
“That’s because your feet aren’t empty,” replied the Doctor
 
• Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
 
• The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They’re both wrong
 
• Q: What does Hellen Kellers parents do to punish her?
A: They changed the furniture around
 
• Q: How can you tell a bachelor from a married man?
A: A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning
 
• Mother: “Soooo… you want to become my son-in-law.”
Suitor: “No, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.”
 
• Q: What do you call a letter delivered from a chimney?
A: Black mail
 
• Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A: One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses
 
• A husband was resting next to wife on the couch with his head in her lap. Wife carefully removed his glasses.
“You know, honey,” She said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”
“Honey,” he replied, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
 
• A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”
 
• Bhatti: “I passed your house yesterday.”
Butt: “Thanks I appreciate it.”
 
• Jeeto: Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
Preeto: “What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”
 
• Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office
 
• Q: What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle Bells
 
• Q: Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with
 
• Near-tragedy at the mall- There was a power outage, and Bhatti and Butt were stuck on the escalators for over four hours
 
• Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, “Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea.”
To which Churchill retorted, “And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!”
 
• Sunny’s teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, “Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.”
The Mother wrote back the next day, “If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father.”
 
• A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
 
• A Man goes to the doctor for some tests. Few weeks later he asks for the results.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Man: I suppose I better have the good news first.
Doctor: We’re going to name a disease after you

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