• Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because,…99% of the guys are right handed!
• David, “So, Mike, how’s it going with the ladies?”
“Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects,” said Mike.
David asked, “Really?” “Yep,” said Mike, “whenever I mention sex, they object.”
• A man approaches a woman and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
The woman replies, “No thanks, there’s an ass in there already.”
• Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks.
• Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman and suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!
• “Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love, “Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married?”
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so. I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”
• Q: Why was the gay sergeant fired?
A: For the way he drilled his troops.
• A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her, “Excuse me ma’am, can I smell your pussy?”
She replies, “Hell no!”
“Well then,” he says, “It must be your feet!”
• Ever wonder why your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
• Q: What did the blonde’s mum say to her before her date.
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.
• I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.
• Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.
• One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for drunken driving, and said, “You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you want to say anything?”
The drunk replied, “Nice boobs.”
• Q: What’s the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
• Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
• Doctor’s Note: There is no sign of a fever, but her husband has stated she was very hot in bed last night.
• Q: “Where is an elephants sex organ?
A: In his feet. If he steps on you, you’re fucked.”
• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is.
I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
• A blonde finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said.
“Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”
• Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?
A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!
• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
• It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing.
• Good girl: It’s hard to be good.
Bad girl: Yes. If it’s not hard, it isn’t any good.
• It has been determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position:
The husband sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!
• Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I’m going in!
• Q: What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.
• Q: What’s the height of Frustration:
A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
• Q: Why did Jeeto keep the door open while taking a bath?
A: Because she was afraid that someone might see through the key hole.
• Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed.
• Q: Why are egyptian children are always confused about their parents?
A: Because their daddies become mummuies after death.
• The farmer’s neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss.
She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and say, “Boy, I’d sure like to have some of That!”
He says, “Well, you’d best run get you a cup. I’m ’bout through.”
• A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
“What the hell do you think your doing. There’s a public toilet 20 meters from here!”
The man, amazed, yells back. “What do you think I have, a hose?”
• Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
• Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A: A pubic hair.
• Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis…even a thought can raise it.
• There’s a scream from the bedroom. Santa runs in and there’s a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife, Jeeto, says, “Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!”
Santa says, “Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he fucked you once?”
Jeeto says, “Because I thought it was you…until he started for the second one.”
• A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.”
He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.”
She says, “How much for all night?”
• Banta and Preeto had got married, and she was at the drug store looking at the men’s toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don’t know what type he uses.”
The clerk says, “Is it the ball type?”
“No,” says Preeto, it’s for his underarms.”
• Q: What did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband when she cheated on him?
A: “Honey, I’ve gone public.”
• A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
• Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
• Q: A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
A: He replied, “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
• Q: What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of peace and quiet.
• If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
• For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
• Q: What’s the definition of a real loser?
A: A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
• One day a wife of a hunter found him with his lover. She took a gun and aimed it at her husband’s testicles.
The hunter, “Stop! Don’t do that! It’s unfair! You don’t give me a chance to save!”
The wife, “Ok, sway them to and fro.”
• Q: Why did God give women boobs and nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men!
• My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It’s such a shame. He was the best veterinarian in town.
• Man to his ex-wife’s husband: So how was the 2nd hand stuff?
Ex-wife’s husband: Not bad. After first 3 inches, it’s brand new.
• Vagina to penis: Surrender! I have you surrounded!
• Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
• Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
• Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
• Q: How is college like a woman ?
A: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you’d never come.
• Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
• A Dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said, “Mam you are holding my balls”.
She said,” I know, its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other”.
• A businessman comes home from work, and before he can even say anything to his wife, she greets him with a deep, passionate kiss. Then she pulls him into the bedroom, pushes him down on the bed, unzips his fly and shows him a great time.
Afterward, he stares fondly at her, then asks, “All right, what did you do to the car this time?”
• “Hello, baby,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you some.”
“Listen,” said the woman, nonplussed, “If you can hold it in one hand, I’m not interested.”
• Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s often difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
• Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
• Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it…so I said, “Implants?”
• A man is doing push up’s on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing loudly and says, “Sorry to tell u this but the woman below has left!”
• Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you’re married?
A: Only if you’re late for the ceremony.
• A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life.
The hubby complains, “You never tell me when you are having an orgasm?”
The wife replies, “How can I? You are never here.”
• Q: What is the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.
• A little girl is talking to her mother and says, “Mommy, I just found out our neighbor’s son has a penis like a peanut!”
The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, “You mean it’s small?”
The little girl replies, “No, it’s salty.”
• Human tastes change as people mature. Little girls like dolls and little boys like balls.
However, when they grow up, girls like balls and boys like dolls.
• Q: What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: “Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!”
• Santa gives 12 roses to his wife, Jeeto. Jeeto is thrilled.
She undresses, lies down on the bed and spreads her legs and says, “This is for the roses”.
Santa exclaims, “why can’t you find a vase?”
• Q: What’s the definition of a healthy virgin?
A: One who has never been bed-ridden
• A girl got a bird tattooed below her navel. After sex, she asks her boyfriend, “Did you notice my birdy?”
The guy says, ” Not exactly. I was concentrating on the nest”
• Santa’s keep dies. Her husband is calm but Santa furiously moans her death.
Her husband finally consoles Santa. “Don’t worry, I’ll marry again”
• Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
A: She’s the one putting a condom on her vibrator