Archive for Sms

Happy Dewali

Apako ashirwad milai Ganesh seApako ashirwad milai Ganesh se.
Vidya mile Saraswati se.
Daulat mile Laxmi se.
Khushiya mile Rab se.
Pyaar mile Sab se.
Yahi duwa hai is dil se.

“HAPPY DIWALI”

Amitabh & Shashi kapoorAmitabh –
mere paas rocket hai,
shurli hai,
chakri hai,
murga bumb hai,
anaar hai,

tumhare paas kya hai?
Shashi kapoor –
mere paas
maachis hai!:p

Wish u a very Happy Diwali 2008Is diwali pe humari dua hai ki apka har sapnna pura ho,
duniya ke unche mukam apke hon,
shoharat ki bulandiyon par naam apka ho!
Wish u a very Happy Diwali 2008!

Wish you Happy DiwaliHar dam khushiya ho sath,
Kabhi daman na ho Khali
Hum sab Ke taraf se,
Wish you Happy Diwali.

Diwali aai, masti chhahi, rangi rangoli,Diwali aai, masti chhahi, rangi rangoli,
Deep jalaye, dhoom dhadaka, chhoda phataka, jali phuljadiyan,
Sabko bhaye, “happy diwali”

Diwali ki subh kamna sath layi hai.Andhera hua dur raat ke saath
Nayi subha aayi diwali leke sath
Ab ankhne kholo dekho ek msg aayi hai
Diwali ki subh kamna sath layi hai.
” Happy Diwali”
 

This SMS will EXPLODE in 5 seconds….This SMS will EXPLODE in 5 seconds….

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(((((BOOM)))))

“*”*”*”*”*”*”
*”*”HAPPY”*”*
“*”DIPAWALI”*”
….*”*”*….
For this, is a special time when familyFor this, is a special time when family
And friends get together,for fun.
Wishing laughter and fun to cheer your days,
In this festive season of diwali and always!!!!!!!!
“Happy Deepavali”

Socha send karon aap ko diwali smsRaat ko jaldii say nendh aagai,
Subah uthay to diwali aagai..

Socha send karon aap ko diwali sms,
Daikha to aap ki miss call already aagai,

Diwali ke subh apsar perdiwali ke subh apsar per
Mere sab des basiyo ko subh kamnaye.

Ish tyohar per apko hazaro khusi hasil ho
Asatya per hamesha satya ki jeet ho
Chahe aap kahin bhi rahe
Hamesha apno ka sath ho.

Happy diwlai direct dil seNa dimag se
Na zuban se
Na paigam se
Na message se
Na gift se
Appko happy diwali
Direct dil se

May the divine light of diwaliMay the divine light of diwali
spread into your Life
peace, prosperity, happiness
and good health.

Wishing a Diwali JhakasPal Pal se banta hai Ehasas,
ehsas se banta hai Vishvas,
vishvas se bante hai Rishte,
aur rishte se banta hai koi Khas,
Wishing a Diwali Jhakas

Aayi hai diwali dekhoAayi hai diwali dekho
Sang layi khushiya dekho..
Yehan wahan jahan dekho
Aaj deep jagmagate dekho
*Happy Diwali*

Deepawali ke ish subh absar perDeepawali ke ish subh absar per
Meri subhkamnaye kabool kijiyega,
Khusi ke ish mahool mein
Humko bhi shamil kijiyega.

May the beauty of deewaliMay the beauty
Of deepavali season
Fill your home with
Happiness,
And may the coming year
Provide you with all
That bring you joy!
May this diwali fulfill your dreamsMay the joy, cheer,
Mirth and merriment
Of this divine festival
Surround you forever.
May the happiness,
That this season brings
Brighten your life
And, hope the year
Brings you luck and
Fulfills all your dearest dreams!
Happy deepavali…..
Diwali ek khusiyon ka taivhaar haiDiwali ek khusiyon ka taivhaar hai,
Andhere se ujaale ki aur barkaraar hai,
Har koi andhere ko ujaala karne ke liye taiyaar hai,
Lekin jo saavdhani rakhe, wahi samajhdaar hai.
Koi waqt ka toh koi khusiyon kaa talabgaar hai.
Nazre bhicha kar baitha hai, bas aane ka intezaar hai
Aa jaaye toh paalo isse,
Phir naa kehnaa agle saal kaa intezaar hai.

Deepawali ke subh awasar pe yaad aapki aayeDeepawali ke subh awasar pe yaad aapki aaye,
Shabd shabd jhod kar deta tumhe badhai.

Diwali Mubarak

Unki yaad liye ye diwali to aayeDiwali aai, khushiya laye
Bichda tha jinke saath bachpan mein,
Phuljadiyan unki yaad laaye.
Kya hua agar saath nahi aaj unke
Unki yaad liye ye diwali to aaye.

“Happy Dipawali”
Deepawali mein deepo ka didarDeepawali mein deepo ka didar
Khusiyo ke sath mubarak hazaar.

“Happy Diwali”

p
Diwali aaye, rangi rangoliDiwali aaye, rangi rangoli,
deep jalaye, Dhoom Dhadaka,
chhoda phataka, jali Phuljadiyan,
Sabko Bhaye…
“Happy Diwali”
 

Deep jalte jagmagate rahenDeep jalte jagmagate rahe,
Hum aapko aap hame yaad aate rahe,
Jab tak zindagi hai,
Dua hai hamari,
Aap chand ki tarah zagmagate rahe.

“Happy Diwali”

Ye diwali aapke ghar aangan meinJhilmilate dipon ki aabha se prakashit
Ye diwali aapke ghar aangan mein
Dhan dhanya sukh samridhi aur ishwor
Ke annat aashirwad le kar aaye.
Happy Diwali.

shubhkamna hai hamari aapke liyeDeepak ka prakash har pal aapke jivan me ek nayi roshni de,
Bas yehi shubhkamna hai hamari aapke liye diwali ke is paawan avsar par,
!! Happy diwali !!
 

Diwali Parva hai Khushio kaDiwali Parva hai Khushio ka,
Ujalo ka, Laxmi ka…. Is Diwali Aapki Jindagi khushio se bhari ho,
Duniya ujalo se roshan ho, ghar par Maa Laxmi ka Aagman ho…
Happy 2007Diwali
Wishing you a very happy and prosperous DiwaliWith gleam of Diyas
And the Echo of the Chants
May Happiness and Contentment Fill Your life
Wishing you a very happy and prosperous Diwali!!

Mubarak ho aap ko ye diwali 2007Gul ne gulshan se gulfam bheja hai,
sitaro ne gagan se salam bheja hai,
Mubarak ho apko ye “DIWALI 2007”
Humne tahe dil se yeh paigam bheja hai.
Wishing u a very happy diwaliWith my
1 heart
2 eyes
7 liter blood
206 bones
4.5 million red cells
60 trillion D N A”S…
All wishing you a very very
HAPPY DIWALI!
 

I’m the first 2 wish u diwali3 days
72 hours
4320 mins..
259200 seconds…
are left…. I think i am the first person to
wish U HAPPY DIWALI….
 

Mubarak Ho Aapko, DIWALI ka TyoharMakai ki Roti, Nimbu ka Aachar,
Suraj Ki Kirne, Khushiyo ki Bahar,

Chand Ki Chandi, Apno ka Pyar,
Mubarak Ho Aapko, DIWALI ka Tyohar

Safalta Kadam Chumti rahe,Safalta Kadam Chumti rahe,
Khushi Aaspas ghumti rahe,
Yash Itna faile ki KASTURI Sharma Jaye,
Laxmi ki kripa itni ho ki BALAJI bhi dekhte rah jaye,

posted in Diwali SMS

Here is my greeting for you|———–|
| ‘–.__.–’ | Here is
|———–| my
GREETING CARD 4 you.
Kindly open it….

$========$
( HAPPY (
( DIWALI (
) & )
( Prosperous )
( New Year )
Wishing u super-duper, jhakas diwaliApun wishing u a wonderful,
super-duper,
zabardast,
xtra-badhiya,
xtra special
ekdum mast n dhinchak,
bole to ekdum Jhakaas
“HAPPY DiWALi”
 

Khushian ho overflow .. diwali ka tayoharKhushian ho overflow,
masti kabhi na ho low,
dosti ka surur chaya rahe,
dhan aur shorat ki ho bauchar,
aisa aaye aapke liye DIWALI KA TYOHAR
Sukh ki barsat .. happy deepawaliSri ram ji aapke ghar sukh ki barsat karen,
Dukhon ka naas karen.
Prem ki phuljhari wa anar aapke ghar ko roshan kare.
Roshni ke diye aapki zindagi me khusiya layen.
Happy deepawali
Phool ki shuruvat kali se hoti haiPhool ki shuruvat kali se hoti hai,
Zindagi ki shuruvat pyar se hoti hai,
Pyar ki shuruvat apno se hoti hai aur
apno ki shuruvat aapse hoti hai.
* Happy Diwali *
Aaj se aap ke yaha dhan ki barsat hoaaj se aap ke yaha dhan ki barsat ho,
maa laxmi ka vas ho, sankatto ka nash ho
har dil par aapka raj ho, unnati ka sar par taj ho
ghar me shanti ka vas ho
* HAPPY DIWALI *
Wishing u and ur family a happy diwalil”l________
–/ l__l Delivery
| | ________
L(o)__l___(o)__|
This van is loaded with
LOVE n CARE,
Wishing U and your family
A HAPPY DIWALI
Aap sab hi ko diwali ki badhaiAai aai Diwali aai, Saath me kitni Khushiya laayi,
Dhoom machao, mauj manao, aap sabhi ko Diwali ki badhai.
Happy Diwali
I pray to God … shubh diwaliI Pray to God to give U
Shanti,
Shakti,
Sampati,
Swarup,
Saiyam,
Saadgi,
Safalta,
Samridhi,
Sanskar,
Swaasth,
Sanmaan,
Saraswati,
aur SNEH.
SHUBH DIWALI…

Women are

• Women are 30% more sexually active during a full moon, and the most common love making time in the US is 11:00pm
 
• The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2″
 
• During foreplay, a woman’s breast can increase in size up to 25%
 
• In 1609 a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with 2 penises. Since then, there have been 80 documented cases of men with the same
 
• The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight the end of their penises to enlongate them sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up
 
• Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance
 
• The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet
 
• Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy
 
• The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress
 
• Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world … it’s an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast
 
• When reading horizontally from Shakespeare’s original published copy of Hamlet, the furthest left hand side reads ‘I am a homosexual’ in the last 14 lines of the book. Was this a message, or just a coincidence?
 
• Alexander the Great was a homosexual
 
• Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle
 
• Endophilia is the desire to have sex with your clothes on. Necrophilia is the sexual attraction to a corpse
 
• The condom was originally made of sheep intestine. It was invented by a Dr. Condom in the early 1500s for Henry VIII. Seems that Henry wanted to sleep with various women without leaving any evidence
 
• 85% of all men who die of heart attacks while having sex are doing what? Cheating on their wives
 
• The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish
 
• The great warrior GHENGHIS KHAN died in bed while having sex
 
• Although Hitler did condemn homosexual acts, he only condemned them between men. Lesbians were not condemned at all. They were rarely (if any at all) sent to concentration camps, because it was not in the laws written by Hitler to condemn women loving other women
 
• Lip stick was said to have been invented in the Eygptian times for women that specialized in oral sex. They wanted their lips to look more inviting
 
• More than half the American men surveyed in a recent poll admit to having sex with women they disliked. It didn’t say how many were referring to their wives
 
• Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions
 
• America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men
 
• Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day
 
• The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
 
• According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size
 
• Women don’t need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need
 
• Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex)
 
• After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.
 
• Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. it’s an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast
 
• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm
 
• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit
 
• In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife
 
• Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores
 
• Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
 
• Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
 
• Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
 
• Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
 
• Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
 
• When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands
 
• As per WHO, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day
 
• The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes
 
• England’s King Edward VII had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse
 
• The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour
 
• A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the releaseof endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex
 
• Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle
 
• An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day
 
• The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs
 
• The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s
 
• The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day
 
• The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City
 
• Some lions have sex over 50 times a day
 
• A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
 
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure

For two years

• For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called “Growing Up Skipper.” Her breasts grew when her arm was turned
 
• During menstruation, the sensitivity of a woman’s middle finger is reduced
 
• The largest cell in the human body is the female reproductive cell, the ovum. The smallest is the male sper
 
• Snails mate only once in their lifetime, but it can take up to 12 hours
 
• ‘Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals
 
• The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years
 
• The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female
 
• Ithyphallophobia is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis
 
• Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal
 
• During pregnancy, the average woman’s uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size
 
• In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror
 
• The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B
 
• According to one theory, people who chew a lot of ice have a high sex drive
 
• Grouper (the fish) are all born female, and change sex after maturing
 
• The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old
 
• Each day, there are over 120 million sexual intercourse taking place all over the world
 
• The eggs from the ovaris of a pig, when shot into another animal, can sterelise it, making it impotent
 
• The chimpanzee holds the record for the quickest sexual intercourse session at an average of three seconds
 
• Napoleon’s penis was sold to an American Urologist for $40,000
 
• The sperm of a mouse is actually longer than the sperm of an elephant
 
• A female orgasm is a powerfull painkiller (because of the release of endorfines), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex
 
• Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always the same sex
 
• Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio–a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t!”
 
• To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles
 
• Of all the animals, Elephants have the largest penis. It weighs on average 60 pounds
 
• Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats
 
• Average length of penis when not erect is 3.5 inches, and when erect is 5.1 inches
 
• Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight
 
• Thickness of the average condom is .07 mm, and that of super-thin condom is .05 mm
 
• Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting pregnant
 
• Average # of erections per day for a man: 11 Average # of erections during the night: 9
 
• 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand
 
• The biggest erect pennis is 13 inches, and the smallest measures about 1 3/4 inches
 
• Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie
 
• A camel’s penis is called a dude
 
• Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack
 
• The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs
 
• Pornography is derived from the Greek word meaning “the writings of prostitutes”
 
• Aphallatosis is a mental disorder resulting from a lack of sex life
 
• The vast majority of men come within six minutes of penetration
 
• Most giraffes are bisexual
 
• One in three men cheats on his partner, as opposed to one in four women. Only 28% of female cheaters get caught
 
• The average male member in all its glory is six inches long and five inches in circumference
 
• A condom will lasts about a month in a wallet before the rubber gets worn down by friction, making it more likely to break
 
• An American urologist once bought Napoleon’s penis for $40,000
 
• A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation
 
• The average time that a man lasts after penetration is two minutes
 
• Pornography is derived from the Greek word meaning “the writings of prostitutes
 
• According to one source, there are about 1,000 recognized slang words for vagina
 
• The word “sex” was coined in 1382
 
• Bats have sex in the air while flying
 
• Erect giraffe penises are four feet long
 
• Chinese lovers, before the days of Mao, were most fond of sex with fowl
 
• When faced with an unfamiliar partner, a pregnant female rat or mouse will spontaneously abort its fetus and go into heat
 
• A dragonfly’s penis has a shovel on the end that scoops out a rival male’s semen
 
• The average gorilla weighing 200 pounds has a penis that is two inches long
 
• Upon losing battles, apes will tend to masturbate
 
• In the animal kingdom, chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies. Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds
 
• Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females
 
• Pigs and hogs have corkscrew-shaped penises
 
• Increasing the amount of zinc in a man’s diet can increase the volume of semen he ejaculates. Zinc can be found in black-eyed peas, spinach, and nuts
 
• Women, but not men, have an organ whose only known function is to give sexual pleasure: the clitoris. Yay !
 
• What you eat affects the flavor of your semen/vaginal secretions. Meat and asparagus supposedly make sexual secretions taste bitter, garlic can make them taste garlicky and fruits, especially pineapple, can give secretions a sweet taste
 
• The modern psychiatric definition of nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of orgasms or partners she has
 
• According to Archives of General Medicine, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers
 
• One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked
 
• According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the 1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing mustard and vinegar
 
• Kellogg’s Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation
 
• According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in protest of India’s 1989 oil crisis
 
• A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John’s Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation
 
• Women are also better self-starters. 60% claiming to have discovered orgasm on their own, as opposed to only 25% of men

Axillism is the act

 
• Axillism is the act of using the armpit for sex
 
• The expression venereal disease was first used in 1527 by Jacques de Bethercourt
 
• The word “ejaculation” comes from the Latin word meaning “throwing out”
 
• The G-spot, a sensitive area located inside the vagina on the upper wall, an inch or two behind the back of the pubic bone, is named for Dr. Ernest Grafenberg
 
• When someone is born with more than two testicles, it’s called “polyorchidism”
 
• Transient global amnesia (TGA) is a rare medical problem that occurs during or just after sex. It can erase short-term memory for up to six hours, including all traces of the sexual event itself
 
• Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams
 
• According to Playboy, the most popular sexual aid is erotic literature
 
• Sex education was first introduced in English schools in 1889
 
• Eighty-five percent of men don’t use the front opening in their underwear when they urinate
 
• The origin of the English word “orgasm” derives from the Greek, “orgaein,” meaning “to swell” or “be excited or lustful”
 
• The first sperm banks opened in 1964—they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City
 
• Black women are 50 percent more likely than white women to have an orgasm during sex
 
• The condom is named after Dr. Charles Condom
 
• According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society
 
• The average bra is designed to last for 180 days of use
 
• Seventy-five percent of Japanese women own vibrators. The global average is 47 percent
 
• A woman’s sense of smell is most acute during ovulation
 
• Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t
 
• Some carnivores, rodents, bats and insectivores have a penis bone, called a baculum
 
• Ninety percent of movies released in the United States are porn films
 
• The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right, although the reverse may be true of left-handed men
 
• Anorgasmy is the clinical term for the inability to achieve orgasm
 
• One out of every two hundred women is endowed with an extra nipple
 
• A penguin only has sex twice a year
 
• The brassiere was patented in 1914
 
• Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit
 
• A parthenologist is someone who specializes in the study of virgins and virginity
 
• A frotteur is a person who becomes sexually excited by rubbing against strangers
 
• A cybersexlayaboutandneerdowell is a person who reads sex trivia pages on the Internet
 
• Just two mammals possess hymens. Humans and horses
 
• Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot
 
• The Romans would crush a first time rapist’s gonads between two stones
 
• The heart beats faster during a brisk walk or heated argument than during sexual intercourse
 
• On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man’s penis erect
 
• “Oneirogmophobia” is the fear of wet dreams
 
• In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver, ivory and glass
 
• The snail mates only once in a lifetime, which many believe is a good thing. However, it makes the most of it, as the act itself can take more than 12 hours to consummate
 
• A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex
 
• Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI
 
• Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth
 
• The word “fuck” is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely underpopulated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to… well, fuck, to replenish the population. Hence the phrase “Fornicate Under Command of the King” passed into everyday language
 
• Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow
 
• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being
 
• The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy
 
• Semen contains small amounts of more than 30 elements, including fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes
 
• Experts estimate that a real orgasm burns 112 calories. A faked orgasm burns 315 calories
 
• The word “vanilla” comes from vagina, because of vanilla pod’s resemblance to the female genetalia
 
• Australian women are the most likely to have sex on the first date
 
• Menstrual cramps have been know, in rare cases, to induce orgasm
 
• Women are most likely to want to commit adultery when they are ovulating
 
• The first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor Christian Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became Christine Jargensen
 
• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever

Orchids are named

• Orchids are named from the Greek word for testicles (orchis) because of the resemblance of their bulbs to a man’s testes.
 
• Valentine’s Day was originally associated with the mating season of birds.
 
• Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
 
• A pig’s orgasm can last up to 30 minutes.
 
• There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
 
• In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
 
• For every 35 pounds of weight a man carries over his ideal weight, his penis will appear to be one inch smaller.
 
• Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting pregnant.
 
• A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.
 
• According to the Kama Sutra, a man’ penis can stay constantly erect by applying camel’s milk and honey.
 
• In Ancient Greece, women would expose their genitals to ward of storms at sea.
 
• During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.
 
• When a Hawaiian woman wears a flower over her left ear, it means that she is not available.
 
• A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.
 
• Mink’s are the most highly sexed animals, intercourse lasts an average of eight hours and they ejaculate up to 260,000 sperm cells at a time.
 
• In Sambia, New Guinea males must perform ritualized homosexual acts until they reach adulthood.
 
• Both humans and fish share a common sexual practice – Fellatio
 
• Ultrasound tests have revealed that male fetuses have the capability for erections in the last trimester of gestation.
 
• The origin of the word “penis” is Latin, meaning “tail.”
 
• The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right, although the reverse may be true of left-handed men.
 
• “Chrematistophilia” is arousal from being charged for sex or robbed.
 
• Prolonged stress can result in the cessation of menstruation, failure to ovulate, impotence, or loss of sex drive.
 
• The Romans made condoms from the muscle tissue of warrios they defeated in battle.
 
• Alcohol lowers the level of the sex hormone testosterone in men but increases it in women
 
• Steroids may cause reduced sperm production, shrinking of the testicles and breast growth in men
 
• Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the large member aesthetically unappealing.
 
• About 50% of women have one breast that is larger than the other.
 
• In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture.
 
• The first automatic vibrator was invented in 1869 and was steam powered. It was used to treat female disorders.
 
• 18th century condoms were fashioned from sheep, lamb and goat intestines, and sometimes fish skin.
 
• Adolescence, the social and psychological state that begins with puberty, was first defined in 1904.
 
• Puberty comes from the Latin word pubes. It refers to the 2 bones that form the front of the pelvis, or the groin.
 
• Sharks are capable of two types of reproduction? Some sharks lay eggs which are called mermaids’ purses, while others give birth to live young.
 
• The origin of the English word “orgasm” derives from the Greek, “orgaein,” meaning “to swell” or “be excited or lustful.”
 
• In 1844, Charles Goodyear obtained the first patent on a crepe rubber condom.
 
• Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
 
• Experts estimate that a real orgasm burns 112 calories. A faked orgasm burns 315 calories.
 
• Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association’s list of mental illnesses until 1973.
 
• The hymen is named after the Greek god Hymenaeus, the god of marriage and weddings.
 
• About 8.5 billion condoms are produced every year worldwide.
 
• Nasophilia is the arousal from the sight, touch, licking or sucking of a partner’s nose.
 
• The G in ‘g-string’ stand for groin.
 
• Canola oil is actually called rapeseed oil, but the name was changed for marketing reasons.
 
• Studies have shown that the larger a man’s testicles, the more likely it is he’ll cheat on his mate
 
• Studies prove it’s harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive

Ecouteurism

 
• Ecouteurism is listening to others having sex without their consent.
 
• The custom of a red lantern to signify a brothel was first introduced in Avignon, France, in 1234.
 
• The largest sex orgy in recorded history, involving 7,000 participants, took place in the year 200 B.C. in Rome.
 
• In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King, (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The acronym for “Fornication Under Consent of the King was stamped on it. F.U.C.K.
 
• There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
 
• Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.
 
• In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
 
• In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal are punishable by death.
 
• The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 
• The modern IUD invented was invented in 1909.
 
• The Roman emperor Nero used to dress up young boys in his dead wife’s clothes and make love to them.
 
• A man’s testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused.
 
• Many species of bird copulate in the air. In general, a couple will fly to a very high altitude, and then drop. During their descent, the birds mate. Sometimes the couple gets too involved and SPLAT!
 
• Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the large member aesthetically unappealing.
 
• In ancient China, the crimes for abduction, armed robbery, treason, and adultery were punished by castration.
 
• A capon is a castrated rooster. They are said to have more tender meat when cooked and that’s why they cost more.
 
• According to a U.S. market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.
 
• The female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time, the male deposits a conical mass of a jellylike substance containing the sperm. The female draws the jelly into herself, and in so doing, fertilizes her eggs.
 
• The word “fart” comes from the Old English “feortan” (meaning “to break wind”).
 
• Left-handers usually reach puberty 4 to 5 months after right-handers.
 
• Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
 
• Urine doesn’t smell—at least not when it leaves the body. The bad smell comes from bacteria that grows when urine sits stagnant
 
• The male fox will mate for life, and if the female dies, he remains single for the rest of his life. However, if the male dies, the female will hook up with a new mate.
 
• Among sexually active adults, lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases.
 
• United States President, Lyndon Johnson, loved showing off his penis, which he nicknamed Jumbo.
 
• About 40% of boys develop a small lump under one or both nipples during puberty. This condition (called gynecomastia) usually disappears by itself in about a year.
 
• The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.
 
• One of the reasons male deer rub their antlers on a tree or the ground is to masturbate
 
• “Venus observa” is the technical term for the “missionary position.”
 
• Male cats have barbs on their genitals, which cause the females to cry out in pain on withdrawal.
 
• In the animal kingdom, chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies. Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds.
 
• The first condoms in the U.S. were made in the 1870s from vulcanized rubber. They were expensive, thick and intended to be reused.
 
• It is common for men to wake up with “morning wood,” a name for an morning erection.
 
• Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from two minutes to two weeks.
 
• The octopus’ testicles are located in its head.
 
• According to the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation, only about 17 percent of adult film performers use condoms.
 
• The Kama Sutra details techniques on ten types of kisses, 64 different caresses, eight variations on oral sex, and 84 positions for intercourse.
 
• The most successful X-rated movie of all time is ‘Deep Throat’. It cost less than $50,000 to make it and has earned more than $100 million dollars.
 
• Medomalacuphobia is the fear of losing an erection.
 
• An unobstructed penis is capable of shooting semen anywhere from 12 to 24 inches.
 
• Sacofricosis, is the practice of cutting a hole in the bottom of a front pants pocket in order to masturbate in public with less risk of detection.
 
• Besides the genitals and the breasts, the inner nose is the only other body part that routinely swells during intercourse.
 
• The origin of the modern day confessional box comes from the Middle Ages. Before then, prostitutes who visited priests to confess their sins were often sexually assaulted
 
• The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.
 
• Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
 
• The oldest sex manuals were published in China 5,000 years ago.
 
• In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the Animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
 
• Hottentot tribe have buttocks that each can be two or three feet.
 
• The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and, of course, Sundays.
 
• “Erotodromomania” is the abnormal impulse to travel to escape painful sexual situations.
 
• “Siderodromophilia” is sexual arousal derived from riding in trains.
 
• The scrotum maintains a temperature 4-7 degrees cooler than the rest of the body because a low temperature is necessary for the formation of healthy sperm.
 
• Sperm with a “Y” chromosome, which determines the male gender, are lighter and swim faster than sperm with an “X” chromosome, which determines the female gender. So about 105 boys are born for every 100 girls.
 
• The clinical term for a hairy buttocks is “daysypgal.”
 
• Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge her bust line by singing loudly and often.
 
• “Eurotophobia” is the fear of female genitalia.
 
• During puberty, increased production of testosterone (in both boys and girls) affects the oil glands in the skin, resulting in acne.
 
• The world’s only museum of Phallology is in Reykjavik, Iceland. Phallology is the the science of the penis.

Unfaithful wives were made

• Unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town, naked in medieval France.
 
• Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.
 
• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
 
• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain
 
• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. it is 10 times more effective than valium
 
• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
 
• From development to ejaculation, the lifespan of a sperm is about 2.5 months.
 
• Twenty percent of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
 
• In the 18th century, another term for anal sex was “navigate the windward passage.”
 
• The Ancient Greeks believed semen was stored in a man’s cranium.
 
• Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit.
 
• “Endytophilia” is the desire to keep one’s clothes on during sex.
 
• Both humans and fish share a common sexual practice – Fellatio, or Oral Sex.
 
• In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold, silver ivory and glass.
 
• The penis of a dragonfly is shaped like a shovel and has the ability to scoop out a male rivals semen.
 
• Both humans and porpoises have one social sex practice in common – Group Sex.
 
• In Ancient Greece, women would expose their genitals to ward of storms at sea.
 
• In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
 
• The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
 
• A woman’s nipples can swell up to 25% their normal size when aroused.
 
• The average bout of sexual intercourse burns 360 calories/hour.
 
• The first vibrators were invented in 1869 as treatment for what was known then as hysteria.
 
• “Telephonicophilia” is the technical name of arousal derived from phone sex.
 
• The Kama Sutra details techniques on ten types of kisses, 64 different caresses, eight variations on oral sex, and 84 positions for intercourse.
 
• In the 18th Century, another term for anal sex was “navigate the windward passage.”
 
• While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.
 
• It’s been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.
 
• The Rhinoceros has a penis no less than two feet long.
 
• A typical orgasm lasts from three to ten seconds, with contractions occurring every 0.8 seconds for both men and women.
 
• Rabbits have been the emblem of fertility because of its well-known talents for multiplying.
 
• Males under the age of forty are typically able to achieve an erection in less than ten seconds.
 
• Having an orgasm relieves menstrual cramps because the vigorous muscle action moves blood and other fluids away from congested organs.
 
• According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the 1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing mustard and vinegar.
 
• Puberty starts in the brain, where the pituitary gland makes hormones (natural chemicals) that trigger changes in the body.
 
• Wishing you a seductive & wondrful day licked by luv & penetrated by heavenly graces & may all your misfortunes be ejaculated!
 
• “Menophobia” is the fear of menstruation.
 
• Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
 
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
 
• A whale’s penis is called a dork.
 
• 70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping and the rest is ’69’.
 
• In Medieval France, unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town while naked.
 
• During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you would be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.
 
• Sex is a natural antihistamine…A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.
 
• The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.
 
• To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles
 
• Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England — but only in tropical fish stores.
 
• Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.

On the first day

• On the first day, in a kindergarten, the young Miss introduced herself and was teaching the kids how to remember her name. “Now, listen, my name is Prussy- it is pussy with an R in it.”
Next day, she asked one of the kids whether he remembered her name. The boy replied “Yes, madam, your name is Crunt!”
 
• A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s just great… some asshole’s got my pen.
 
• Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit ?
A: A pubic hair.
 
• Woman: Do you sell viagra?
Chemist: Yes we do
Woman: Does it work?
Chemist: Yes, it does
Woman: And can you get it over the counter
Chemist: Only if I take 2
 
• Q: Who makes more money, a hooker or a drug dealer?
A: A hooker because a hooker can clean her crack and re-use it, a drug dealer can’t.
 
• Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
 
• Q: What is the similarity between the pizza delivery boy and gynacologist?
A: They both can smell it but cannot have it.
 
• What do women do immediately after sex?
5% sleeps straight away
5% go to bathroom to wash
5% read book
85% go look for their vibrators!!
 
• Girl- Doctor look at my vagina.
Doctor- Why your hole is so big
Girl- I was raped by the elephant
Doctor- Elephants has small dick
Doctor-But he fingered Me first.
 
• Mum: did’nt I tell you that if a guy touches your boobd say, dont & if he touches ur pussy, say stop!
Jill: but mum he touched both, so I said don’t stop.
 
• A good discussion is like a miniskirt;
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
 
• Question: What is the difference between “hard” and “light”?
Answer: You can get to sleep with a light on.
 
• Question: Why is masturbation better than sex?
Answer: Because you can see what you are doing!
 
• Judge: You say that the defendant stole the money from your bra, while you were wearing it. Then why did’nt you stopped him
She said: I was’nt sure he wanted
 
• Q: What is the height of fashion?
A: A female applying lipstick to her vertical lips
 
• A man walked into a ladies toilet.
A lady who was inside got furious and shoutes “This is exclusively for women”.
The man, unzipping his pants said, “This too!!”
 
• A priest lost his cock (murga)
So he asks during the mass, anyone got a cock
All man stood up
i mean anyone seen a cock
All women stood up
I meant, anyone seen my cock
All nuns stood up
 
• Q: What is the height of bravery?
A: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
 
• Man and wife quarell.
Man: When you die your headstone’ll read: here lies my wife cold as ever.
Wife: When you die, the headstone’ll read: stiff at last
 
• A lady entered the Dr’s cabin & said I have vibrator stuck up my vagina.
Dr: U lie down and I’ll try to get it out.
Lady: Oh no just change the batteries.
 
• Three chinese Bu, Chu and Fu went to USA. They decided to americanize their names.
Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, Fu decided to back to China.

Banta and his wife

• Banta and his wife went for a honeymoon trip. After enjoying the honeymoon for a week Mrs Banta says, “Dear, lets go back.
Banta, “Why Dear ?”
Wife: Seven days make a whole week (hole weak)
 
• Despite the old saying, “Don’t take your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives !!!
 
• A person doing self SWOT analysis:
Strength is my wife; weakness is my neighbour’s wife; opportunity is when my neighbour is on tour; threat is when I am on tour
 
• Similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter – one screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart
 
• Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant ?
A: Her legs!!!
 
• The Doctor because he says; “Take your clothes off”
The Dentist because he says; “Open wide”
The Milkman because he says; “Do you want it in the front or the back”
The Hairdresser because he says; “Do you want it teased or blown”
The Interior Decorator because he says; “Once it’s in, you’ll love it”
The Banker because he says; “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest”
 
• There were 3 naked blokes in a bath, and a policeman comes along and says “Whats going on here?”
First guy,”I’m blowing bubbles”, and he dips his head back under the water.
Second guy, “I’m blowing bubbles too” and submerges his head like the other guy.
Policeman turns to the third bloke who says “Hi, I’m Bubbles”
 
• Q: Did you hear about the air conditioned whore house?
A: It had the blowers on the second floor
 
• Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony ?
A: Its not hard
 
• Q: Did you hear about the two gay judges ?
A: They tried each other
 
• Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common ?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen
 
• Q: What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex ?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
 
• Q: What does a tornado and a wife have in common?
A: They make a lot of noise when they are cuming and take the house with em when they go.
 
• A judge who had never driven a car in his life was asked, “How can you rule on motor accidents without first-hand knowledge of driving?”
He lisped, “It’s really no handicap…I also try rape cases.”
 
• Mrs. Santa was tucking her small son under the bed covers.
He asked, “Will Daddy take me along on his next swimming trip?”
She laughed, “He didn’t go swimming,dear. He’s gone fishing.”
The kid confided, ” He plans to swim, too. I saw him pack a box of those little bitty balloons men put on their things so they won’t get wet.”
 
• An old woman was about to place a jar of honey on the breakfast table.
“You know,” she said, “my honey was awfully stiff this morning. ”
Her old man, already at the table answered, “Are you talking about ME ? I didn’t even know it!”
 
• “I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand, Sir”, pleaded the anxious young Santa. “She keeps holding it over the part I really want.”
 
• Banta phoned his Doctor and frantically screamed. ‘I swallowed a live bullet! What shall I do ?
Doc replied, ‘Drink lots of bean soup and stand in front of your mother-in-law…’
 
• Punjabi dudes take their damsels young. They figure if she’s old enough to bleed, it’s Time to butcher
 
• Heaven is when you have beautiful girls and barrels of beer. Hell is when you discover that the barrels have holes and the girls don’t
 
• The lightsest thing in the world is ‘Dick’, a mere thought of sex raises it. And the heaviest thing is also ‘Dick’, because after having an orgasm, even a lift cannot raise it
 
• Q: What’s the differene between a man and a woman ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
 
• According to research, the life of a smoker decreases by 5 minutes everytime he burns a cigarette. And every fuck increases man’s life by 8 minutes. That implies that fucking smokers live forever
 
• A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it’s answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?”
To which the boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”
 
• A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”
 
• A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, “It’s only 2014 now.”
 
• Q: What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
A:They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
 
• Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: prostitute will stop screwin’ you once your dead!
 
• Q: What is the similarity between men and mice?
A: The pussy gets both of them in the end.
 
• Q: What is the difference between panties of 70s and panties of 90s?
A: The panties of 70s had to be separated to see the bums, and in 90s, the bums had to be separated to see the panties.
 
• What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
Both are for stiffs except one is for coming and the other for going.
 
• Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, “I need to buy condoms.”
The pharmacist looked up and asked, “Shall I put it on your bill?”
“No, thanks,” Monica responded. “I prefer to put them on him myself.”
 
• Q: How are blondes and turtles alike?
A: When they’re on their backs they’re both screwed

What is it that goes

• A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, “Don’t all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out ?”
“It isn’t the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it’s the jerks.”
 
• Q: What is it that goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and wet ?
A: Chewing gum
 
• Q: What’s the ultimate in rejection ?
A: When you’re masturbating, your hand falls asleep
 
• Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano ?
A: A diseased pussy on your organ
 
• Q: What is better than a rose on your piano ?
A: Tulips (two lips) on your organ
 
• Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
 
• Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: Ao teabag
 
• Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period ?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her
 
• Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car
 
• Q: Why are blonde’s coffins Y-shaped ?
A : Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open
 
• Q: Why can’t blondes water-ski ?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down
 
• Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful
 
• A blonde goes over to the deodorant display in a store and tells the clerk “I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.”
“Does he use the ball kind?” enquired the clerk.
“No,” replied the blonde, “The kind for under his arms.”
 
• A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says “Open wide”.
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”
 
• A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: (looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy
 
• Doctor, taking up his stethoscope: “Big breaths.”
Adolescent Blonde: “Yeah, and I’m not even thirteen.”
 
• A woman walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. She asked the man at the counter, “Where are the vibrators?”
He said, “Follow me, come this way” by waggling with his finger.
She responded, “If I could come this way, why would I need a vibrator, you idiot ?”
 
• A lady accidentally got her vibrator stuck deepinside of her.
Doctor: “To remove that vibrator I have to perform a very long and delicate operation.”
Lady: “I don’t think I could afford an operation right now, could you just replace the batteries for a nominal fee ?”
 
• The country club instructor spent hours trying to teach the shapely young teenage girl how to swim. They had been in the pool all morning when she finally asked him, “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”
 
• A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
“You never even tell me when you’re having an orgasm!” he yelled.
“How can I?” she shot back. “You’re never here!”
 
• Three stages of sex during pregnancy:
During the 1st trimester do it regular style, during the 2nd trimester do it doggie style, and during the last trimester do it wolf style.
“What the heck is wolf style?”
That’s when you sit by the hole and howl!
 
• Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen ?
A: A Submarine!
 
• Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure that I am the first man you have slept with ?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others
 
• Q: What is the difference between an action film and a blue film ?
A: One has cunning stunts and the other has stunning cunts..
 
• Q: What frustrated Banta the most ?
A: When his wife gave birth to twins and he is not able to find the father of the second child
 
• Q: How did the blonde moonwalk ?
A: He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor
 
• Santa and his wife, Jeeto had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
Santa gave Jeeto a gift – a tombstone, with the inscription:
HERE LIES MY WIFE – COLD AS EVER.
Later the furious Jeeto bought a return present – also a tombstone in which the inscription read:
HERE LIES MY HUSBAND – STIFF AT LAST.
 
• Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer ?
A: The joystick is wet
 
• Q: What’s the difference between butter and a blonde ?
A: Butter is difficult to spread
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball ?
A: You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
 
• Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint ?
A: It’s not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy
 
• Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man ?
A: “How do you breath through something so small”
 
• Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists ?
A: Their shaky hands
 
• Q: Why can’t women read maps ?
A: Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile
 
• Q: What is the definition of a menstrual period ?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time
 
• Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common ?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed
 
• Q: How do you know when you are getting old ?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts
 
• Q: What is the smallest hotel in the world ?
A: A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside
 
• Q: Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist ?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there
 
• A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear ?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”
 
• Q: What is the difference between men`s cricket and women`s cricket ?
A: In men`s cricket there is a Short leg between two Long legs, and in women`s cricket there is a Deep gulley between two Fine legs
 
• Q: What is the relaitonship between iodex and penis ?
A: Andar tak jaaye, garmahat laaye, aaram dilaye

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