Archive for Sms

Why do men find

 
• Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes
 
• Eve to Adam: ‘What do you mean the kids don’t look like you ?’
 
• Q: What is 6.9 ?
A: Good sex interrupted by a period
 
• Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells ?
A: Because the “b” shells were to small!
 
• Most of us worry about getting AIDS from sex,
but Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from his aides
 
• What do u usually say after sex ?
I luv u ?
Wrong !
That was great
Wrong again
I luv it
Wrong again
Its Tissue Tissue quick
 
• Women are Beautiful, Intelligent, Truthful, Charming, Helpful, Encouraging and Sincere.
In short they r B.I.T.C.H.E.S
 
• Condom slogans:

1. Cover your stumps b4 u hump
2. Don’t be silly, protect your willy
3. She won’t get sick if U cover your dick
 
• Santa reads a poster outside a police station “wanted for rape and murder cases.”
He goes in and says, “Sir I want to apply for the job on the poster !!!”
 
• Girls don’t bunk classes because they know missing periods means PREGNANCY
 
• Manager and secretary went to the hotel. When they went to bed.
Manager asked, “Do you want me to treat youu as a wife or secretary ?”
She said, “As a wife”
Manager, “Good night”
 
• A lady was scolding her maid 4 her inefficiency.
Angry maid: Atleast I’m better than youu in the bed.
Lady(amazed): And my husband told u this ?
Maid: No, the driver
 
• After unsuccessful attempts to land the plane airhostess was repeatdly saying we are on outskirts.
Santa shouted when will we enter the skirts ?
 
• Q: What do u call the organ of chinese ?
A: Pirated dicks
 
• Q: What do u call the organ of old men ?
A: Floppy dicks
 
• Q: What do u call the organ of aliens ?
A: Laser dicks
 
• Q: What do u call the organ of small men ?
A: Compact dicks
 
• A Gal goes to umberella’s repairman. The man says, “Ooppar ka kapda utaarna padega, rod seedha karke dalna padega.
Gal said, “Kuch bhi karo par paani andar nahin jaana chahiye”
 
• Santa’s and Banta’s secretary got pregnant. Santa was away at the time of the delievery.
Banta faxed him: Twins born, mine one is dead
 
• Q: What is the nicest thing about a wedding at a nudist colony ?
A: U dont hav to ask u know who the best man is
 
• It was a wise old botanist who pointed out that a penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted
 
• Once Tarzan undressed and all animals started laughing. Tarzan asked them whats wrong ?
They all replied in unison, we’ve seen an animal witha a tail in the front for the first time
 
• Q: What’s the clinical term for men who need viagra ?
A: Myccoxafailure
 
• Of course you’ve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk
 
• Q: What’s the similarity between a woman and a guitar ?
A. You play at the top and finger the bottom…
 
• Q: What’s the similarity between a woman and a bank ?
A: After withdrawal, you lose interest…
 
• Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets ?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair
 
• Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons ?
A: From dating blonde men
 
• Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist ?
A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush
 
• Q: Why aren’t there many blonde gymnasts ?
A: When they do the splits they stick to the floor
 
• Sinner: Father ! Forgive me for I have sinned. I am sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and view graphics on my cellphone.
Priest: My child ! Please forward them to me
 
• Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster ?
A: A cock that stays up all night
 
• Q: What’s the speed limit of sex ?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around
 
• Q: Why don’t girls like to date basketball players ?
A: You never know if they’re going to dribble or shoot
 
• Q: What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common ?
A: Roosters calling: “cock-a-doodle-doo”
Prostitute calling: “any-cock-will-do”
 
• Mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying them on, the daughter asks, “Why have they got L and R written on them?”.
Her mother replied, “So you know which feet to put them on.”
Her daughter then says, “Is that why I have C&A written on my knickers?”
 
• When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls

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A lesbian goes to

 
• A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says “I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I’ve seen in ages.”
“Thanks,” said the lesbian. “I have a woman in 4 times a week.”
 
• This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him “So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?”
The man responds by raising his hand and outstreching his fingers.
“What? Five times?” asks the eager girl.
“No”, he replied. “Pick a finger”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a horse’s tail and a man’s tie?
A: The horse’s tail covers up the entire asshole
 
• Woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, “Depends on what’s in it for me.”
 
• Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They’re intended for the children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them
 
• These 3 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub and a condom floats to the top. One of the gay guys says to the others “who farted?”
 
• Panty: Its a certain aromatic curtain that opens before a rhythmic perfomance and closes when one of the performer collapses
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can’t hear a vitamin
 
• A man, being in a bad mood, said to his wife, “Why do you bother wearing a bra? You don’t have anything to put in it!?”
His wife wryly replied, “Well, you wear briefs, don’t you?”
 
• I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend’s hand, ‘Cause everytime she’d wipe her rear I’d see the promised land….
 
• REMEMBER: if u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever, & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
 
• Q: When does the skin meet skinn; hair meet hair; and the balls disappear?
A: whenever ones blinks the eyes
 
• Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: No, I don’t!
Eve: Then, why did you make love to me?
Adam: Hello! As if I had any other choice!
 
• Santa in USA was masturbating looking towards the sky
Banta: What are you he doing?
Santa: I am makin love to my wife, Jeeto, through satelite
 
• Santa with big tummy goes for a walk in his vest and lungi. A gal jokingly asks Santa, “For how much is this big tank?”
Santa lifts hi lungi and says, “With the tap, its for 450”
 
• Q: How can U tell that an Auto-mechanic had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean
 
• Prof: In humans, where is the smallest bone?
Female student: Sir, in the penis!
Prof: But Penis doesn’t have any bone.
Male student: Sir, it is not her fault. She has always seen erect penis
 
• Three prostitutes all hate life, decided to kill themselves.
The 1st one goes to a 50 feet tall cliff and jumps off. She lands on the concrete, and it took weeks to clean her mess up.
The 2nd one jumps from a 100 feet tall building, and lands on a car. It took months to clean her up.
The 3rd one jumps from a plane 120 feet in the air, and she lands on a lamppost. It took her years to wipe the smile off her face
 
• Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle
 
• Rooster & cat going over a bridge, cat slips & falls in river. Rooster cant stop laughing.
MORAL: Wherever theres a wet pussy theres a happy cock
 
• Q: What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A: A cockpit
 
• Q: What do toys and women’s breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them
 
• Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
A: You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse
 
• Q: What is common between an Colonel’s wife and his car ?
A: Both are highly mantained and used by the drivers
 
• Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on
 
• Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration
 
• Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy
 
• Q: What’s the difference between pulling a curtain and a panty?
A: When you pull a curtain, it means that the show is over, but pulling down a panty means IT’S SHOWTIME
 
• 3 good manners of male penis
1. Courteous-it stands before performing
2. Emotional-it cries during the performance
3. Polite-it bows down after the performance
 
• A boy was so jealous of his new born brother that he put poison on the nipple of his mom while she was asleep now comes the sad part-
the next day their driver died
 
• 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organised.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
 
• Q: What is the similarity between a mobile phone and a wife ?

1. You like them when they are new
2. You like other’s
3. You hav to charge them both at night
 
• Luv is not measured by sweet words nor by generous gifts nor by corageous acts, it is measured by the willingness to continue after you already came twice
 
• Q: Why sperm donation is more xpensive than blood donation?
A: Because it’s hand made
 
• Q: What is a similarity between college going girls and pregnant women?
A: Both miss periods
 
• If you have 2 balls between your legs, then you are a man. But if you have 4 balls between your legs, don’t think you are Super man; there’s someone fucking you
 
• Q: What is the difference between a postage stamp and a girl?
A: One is mail fee and the other is female
 
• Q: What’s the difference between pulling a curtain and a panty?
A: When you pull a curtain, it means that the show is over. But pulling down a panty means it’s SHOWTIME
 
• The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, “Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!”
 
• Four gays in the bar and only one stool
What do they do?
Turn it over !!
 
• Q: Who is a gynaecolgist ?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure
 
• A couple is watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, ” I’m disappointed! It was all over in 4 minutes!”
The wife retorts, “Good! Now you know how I feel!”
 
• Q: A reporter asked Clinton one day. “Was Monica lying?”
A: Clinton responded: “No”, he responded, “She was on her knees.”
 
• Q: What do old women have between their breasts the young women don’t ?
A: A bellybutton !
 
• Q: Why are married women heavier than single women ?
A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge

A happy man must have

• A happy man must have
A woman who cooks and cleans
A woman who has good money
A woman who like to have sex
and ensure these 3 never meet

 
• Mom asked her daughter who was about to get married, Do you know the meaning of Mangal Sutra?
Daughter: Its a license to do Kama Sutra
 
• “I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can’t afford to get pregnant!” said Preeto to Jeeto.
“But I thought you said your husband, Banta, had a vasectomy,” Jeeto responded.
“He did. That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant
 
• Q: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home
 
• Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met
 
• Q:Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper
 
• Q: What’s the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
A: They’re both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them
 
• In a rape trial, the lawyer asked the victim, ” Did you scream for help?”
The victim replied, ” Yes Sir!”
The lawyer further enquired, “Did anyone come?”
The victim shyly replied, ” Yes Sir, first I did, then he did.”
 
• Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, “Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?”
The other replies, “Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!”
 
• Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?”
 
• A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?”
He says, “Why? Are my eyes bulging?”
 
• Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
“But he acts so stupid,” said one to the other. “I think he must have his brains between his legs.”
“Yeah,” her friend sighed, “but I’d sure love to blow his mind.”
 
• The local care center for seniors has begun giving viagra to the old men each night…It seems it keeps them from rolling out of bed.
 
• As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, “Have you just gotten out of prison?”
“Yeah,” the guy replied. “How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?”
“Partly.” She said. “But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, ‘YOUR TURN.'”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
A: If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller… but if you lick a penis it becomes bigger!
 
• When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.
 
• A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, “Come this way.”
The woman replied, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need a vibrator!”
 
• The first old man: “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old man: “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said: “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
 
• An older man was getting upset at paying a urologist to tell him what was wrong, only to be asked what seems to be the problem.
The man answered, “I think I have Cabbage Disease.”
The Doctor scratched his head stating he never heard of that before and asked what the symptoms were.
The man looked at the doctor and said, “The stem don’t support the head!”
 
• Did you hear about the England international player who had a date with a referee’s daughter?
She penalised him three limes – for handling, interference and trying to pull off a jersey
 
• Q: What do a condom and a coffin have in common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs – except one’s coming and one’s going
 
• Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism
 
• Q:What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
A: The Elephants foreskin
 
• Q: What’s the difference between meat and fish?
A: If you beat your fish, it’ll die
 
• There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant
 
• The company sergent is briefing the recruits: “For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you…”
 
• Q: How do you tell an old man?
A:It isn’t hard
 
• Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because it would look silly with six inches
 
• Banta: Was your wife a virgin when you married?
Santa: I don’t know. Some say yes. Some say no
 
• An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
‘What are you doing’ he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover ‘I told you he was stupid’
 
• Dear doctor, both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
 
• Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A: A cock that stays up all night
 
• Q: What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
 
• Son, “Mom, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied his mother.
Son, “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”
 
• Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don’t have balls to scratch
 
• Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men
 
• Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants
 
• Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door
 
• Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag
 
• Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
 
• Teacher: Use “harassment” in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’
 
• Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak)
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on her’s?
A: Nothing. They’re both screwed
 
• Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them to remember which end they need to wipe
 
• Q: What does a drowned man have in common with a pregnant woman?
A: He didn’t get out in time
 
• Q: Did you hear that Banta had eight vasectomies?
A: He had to… his wife kept getting pregnant
 
• Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
 
• Q:Why don’t girls like to date basketball players?
A: You never know if they’re going to dribble or shoot
 
• Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that thing?
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you
 
• Q: What did Adam say to Eve ?
A: You’d better stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets
 
• Q: What do elephants use for tampoons ?
A: Sheep
 
• Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant

Have you heard

 
• Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends
 
• Q: Why doesn’t Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush
 
• Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick
 
• Q: Do you know why old gynaecologists are in the demand?
A: Because they have trembling fingers
 
• Q: Why do women like chocolate with nuts more than sex?
A: If they bite the nuts in the chocolate it doesn’t yell
 
• Q: Why is orgasm a 6 letter word? A: It’s easier to spell than…
Ohmygodyesnoohshityesdeeper yesgodnopleasenoshityesohfucknoyesyesyes ohgodfuckinghellyesyesyes
 
• Santa: Have you ever fucked your girlfriend in the other hole?
Banta: Are you mad? She’ll get pregnant
 
• A 75 year old man talking to his penis: we were born together, grown up together, enjoyed life together, had lots of fun together, then why did you die before me?
 
• It’s in the mixture: He offered her a scotch and soda, she declined. Then he offered her ascotch and sofa, she reclined
 
• Screatary to boss: All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I’m suing for discrimination
 
• A guy donated blood to his girl friend. After things got sour, he wanted his blood back.
The girl threw a bloody tampon at him and says, I’ll pay you in the monthly instalments
 
• Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot
 
• Q: What do toys and tits have in common?
A: They’re both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them
 
• Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it – we’re closed
 
• Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a week
 
• Banta calls his wife, Preeto, from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works.
“Oh my God!!” cries Preeto. “The whole finger?”
“No,” replies the guy. “The one next to it!”
 
• Man: Bless me god, my son is an addict, my wife is a gambler.
God: Is there anything positive going on in you life.
Man: yes! I’m HIV positive
 
• Husband: What do you like, my charming face or my sexy body?
She takes a gud look at him from head to toe & reply: Your sense of humour
 
• Wife A: I hate my engineer husband, erect n erect…
Wife B: Mine is a Doctor, inject n inject…
Wife C: You both are lucky, mine is a lawyer! postpone n postpone!
 
• Q: What is the difference between sex and shave?
A: If you don’t do it for 4-5 days, it starts showing on the face
 
• Q: If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?
A: Two feet of my cock in your ass
 
• Woman, “Slow down, foreplay is an art.”
Man, “Well, if you don’t get your canvas arranged soon, I’m going to spill my paint!”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on
 
• A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says, “Open wide.”
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “this chair’s got arms”
 
• Q: What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
A: Ten feet of barbed wire
 
• Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went
 
• Q: Why are condoms like cameras?
A: They both capture the moment
 
• Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung
 
• Santa was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender’s attention.
He glanced at it and said, “It’s a ladybug.”
After a moment of stunned silence Santa, “Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!”
 
• Banta, “How do you protect yourself from AIDS?”
Santa, “I wear a condom all the time”
Banta, “Do you ever take it off?”
Santa, “Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!”
 
• A lady goes into a convenience store, “I need some batteries”
The guy, motioning with his finger, “Certainly, ma’am, just come this way.”
Mimicking his gesture she says, “If I could come this way, I wouldn’t need any batteries”
 
• At the card shop, a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head each time, muttering, “no.”
A clerk finally came over and asked, “And how may I help you?”
“I just don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
 
• Santa is traveling in the train compartment with a girl. He pulls out a plate and starts playing it “Ding. Ding.Ding.”
The girl gets annoyed, “You stop that.”
He stops. Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks at him and asks, “Do you want to do IT?”
Santa says, “Yes”.
“OK, Go ahead.”
Santa pulls out his plate and starts playing “Ding. Ding. Ding.”
 
• A woman of 55, was undressing in front of her husband. Suddenly she smiled and said, “Dr. told me for a woman of my age, my breasts are in terrific shape!”
Her husband looked at her and said, “Did he say anything about your big ass?”
Without missing a beat she answered, “No dear, he didn’t mention you at all”
 
• Lesbians can also take Viagra.
They don’t have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues
 
• Doc to a man with leg burns: Two weeks of bed rest, two tubes of anti burn cream and viagra. Man: Viagra? Is it good for burns? Doc: No but it will keep the sheet off your legs
 
• Q: What is the difference between a child and an egg?
A: Egg is an a result of a sitting hen, child is a result of a standing cock
 
• Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman
 
• Preeto goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, “You have acute vaginitis.”
She says, “Thank you”
 
• Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under
 
• Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them
 
• Q: What three two-letter words denote ‘small’?
A: Is it in?
 
• Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them.
He told him, “When I catch your boyfriend, I’m going to shove this nightstick right up his ass.”
Just then a voice called out from behind a tree, “Officer, I’m over here.”
 
• Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years: I wonder how the girls are doing?”
 
• A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. “Sure!!”
She says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids…”
 
• Whats the best thing about babies?
MAKING EM
 
• Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde”
 
• “I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Jeeto.
“But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Preeto responded.
“He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution”
 
• The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.
She glanced down and said, “Nice design, does it also come in men’s sizes?”
 
• A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”
“How dare you,” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well then,” said the beggar, “What are you doing in my bed?”
 
• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does”
 
• The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she said. “Then you must have some job, because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour”
 
• Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?”
“No way, get your own,” said the groom, “this one’s all mine”
 
• A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady. She walks up to him and says, “They tell me that you people don’t wear anything under those kilts.”
The Scotsman says, “Feel and see for yourself.”
So she did and says, “Oh, that’s gruesome!”
He says, “Try it again, it grew some more”

A man in a bar

 
• A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, ‘All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!’ A man at the front of the bar stands up and says ‘Hey! I resent that!’
So the first man asks, ‘Why are you a lawyer?’
‘NO! I’m an asshole!’
 
• Q: What’s the biggest tragedy in the movie Sholay?
A: Well, first of all the Thakur’s wife dies & then to make matter worse Gabbar cut off Thakur’s hand
 
• A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing…..
 
• Mother was scolding the daughter, “I don’t like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb”.
“No, momma,” she said, “He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology
 
• Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn’t come means you are in big trouble
 
• Q: Why sperm donation is more expensive rather than blood donation?
A: Because it’s HANDMADE
 
• Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, “Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?”
She answers, “Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so.”
A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, “Why Gomer, that isn’t my belly button!”
Gomer answers exuberantly, “Sur—-prise! Sur—prise!!!! That ain’t my finger neither! Gollllllyyyyyy…….
 
• Q: “What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement?” asked Julie.
A: “Well,” Sharon confirmed, “Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.”
 
• Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes
 
• Doing business with you is like wearing a condom, it gives one a feeeling of faith and security while getting screwed…
 
• A prostitute goes to a Bank to deposit a 1000 rupee note.
The teller says,’Sorry Madam, the note is a fake.
”Oh my God! exclaimed the prostitute,’I have been raped.’
 
• Q: Why does Banta dislike making love to virgins?
A: Because he is against bloodshed
 
• Q: What is the similarity between men and mice?
A: The pussy gets both of them in the end
 
• Q: What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: Both are for stiffs except one is for coming and the other for going
 
• Ant and elephant share a night of romance. Next morning, ant wakes up and sees the elphant is dead. Damn, says the ant; one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave
 
• Next time you wave, use all your fingers
 
• Man goes to hospital for a periodic check-up, only to be told that he has cancer of the penis. He goes home and beats his wife and shouts angrily- I told you to stop smoking
 
• Q: What’s the height of recyling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for drycleaning
 
• A girl taps a boy on his ass and enquires, ” how come you have such a strong ass?”
The boy replies, “One needs a strong hammer to drive a long nail home!
 
• At work, girl complains to her boss that she’s been sexually harrassed.
“A guy smells my hair every morning and comments that they smell very nice.”
The boss enquires, “Then what’s wrong?”
The girl retotrs back, “he’s a dwarf.”
 
• Q: How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A: Milk them both, the one that smiles is the bull
 
• Santa and his wife, Jeeto are watching boxing on TV.
Santa sighs and says, ” I’m disappointed! It was all over in 2 minutes!”
Jeeto retorts, “Good! Now you know how I feel!”
 
• Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl’s skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy’s hand
 
• Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day!!
 
• An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. Doc: “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered: “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”
Doc: “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman: “That’s allright. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
 
• “Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. “Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” the blonde replied, “but not by a doctor!”
 
• A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. “Why did you choose gynecology?” she asked.
He said simply, “There’s lots of openings.”
 
• Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?”
The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, ‘I ama Genie. I can grant u you only one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit!'”
 
• Gone are the days when booze was booze, pussy was pussy, boss was boss & king was king. Now pussy is king, booze is boss & the boss is a pussy
 
• Prostitute: doc, my hole is too big.
Doctor looks into the hole & says GOD…GOD…GOD…
Prostitute: Why are you repeating the word God?
Doctor: It was an ECHO!
 
• Doc: Why your knees all blistered ? Lady: Because of doggy style sex!
Doc: Can’t you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, Doc, but the dog can’t!
 
• Customer to buxom waitress after reading her name tag: “Susan’, thats cute. What did you name the other one?”
 
• Yesterday’s news- A nun jogging at the park was raped.
Today’s news- Hundreds of nuns are jogging at the park!!
 
• Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A: They both have ornamental balls
 
• Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
A: Because he was caught drinking on the job
 
• Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling
 
• Banta: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Banta: I just did, you stupid bastard
 
• A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence…it protects the property without obstructing any of the view
 
• There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
“I’ll get the door,” says the first ovary.
She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?” No why?” asks the other ovary.
“Because there two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”
 
• A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… “I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”
 
• There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what’s the problem?
 
• The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. “Don’t be alarmed,” she said, “I’m a nudist.”
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. “How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Eighteen,” the lady replied.
“Lady,” he gasped, “You’re not a nudist, you just don’t have time to get dressed!”
 
• Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said. “Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”
 
• A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!”
“That’s no ring! That’s my wristwatch.”
 
• What’s the similarity between walking on the edge of Mt. Everest & getting blow job from an 85-yr old woman?
Whatever you do don’t look down
 
• Banta asks his wife, “Tell me a joke in which im not involved?
Preeto, “I’m pregnant!!”
 
• Harry still enjoyed chasing girs when he got 70. His wife was asked if she minded.
She said, “Why should I be upset. Dogs chase cars, but they cant drive

 
• Condoms say to Whisper: When you work, my business is in loss for four days.
Whisper replies: If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months
 
• A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”
 
• 3 women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”
Second woman says, “I am too but we use the rhythm method.”
Third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”
“Whats that??”, the others ask.
“Well, I’m 5’1″… and my husband is 5’2″. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him!”
 
• A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, “Gee, you’re fat!”
The fat man said, “Yeah.”
The second man asked, “How long’s it been since you’ve seen your dick?”
The fat man answered, “Long time.”
The second man asked, “Why don’t you diet?”
The fat man asks, “Why? What color is it now?”
 
• Q: Why did the Scottish farmer take his sheep to the edge of the cliff?
A: They push harder that way
 
• A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.
“Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I’m sexually fit”, he says to the doctor.
“O.K.”, says the medic, “let me see your sex organs.”
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
 
• A woman answers the phone in a busy office, “Good morning, Parachute Club.” Santa replied, “Excuse me, but isn’t this Prostitute Club?” “Oh no sir,” came the embarrassed reply, “this is Parachute Club.” “Damn!” said Santa. “I’m afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week.”
 
• Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.
“I agree. We’ll grab her…” said the second.
“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”
 
• A waiter brings a lady her vegetable soup, and his thumb is hooked over the cup. She says, “Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.”
He says, “Yeah. I got arthritis and the heat makes it feel better.”
She says, “Well, why don’t you stick it up your ass?”
He says, “I do that in the kitchen.”
 
• An eccentric old woman had two poodles that she was very attached to. One day they both died. She decided that in order to remember them she would have them stuffed, so she took them to a local taxidermist.
“Would you like them mounted, madam?” asked the taxidermist.
“Goodness, no. Just holding paws.”
 
• Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month
 
• All boobs are to be taxed as per size;
38-Burden tax
36-Wealth tax
35-Entertainment
34-Excitement
30-Development tax
 
• Girl: Doctor, my boobs are hard & aching.
Doctor: Let me see.
Doctor feels them & make face.
Girl: Is it bad?
Doctor: Not only bad but its contagious too! Now my dick is hard & aching
 
• A camel met an elephant & elephant asked, “Why do you have your boobs on your back?
The camel replied, “What a silly question from someone having dick on his face”
 
• A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is very badmash (naughty), because he made our housemaid pregnant..! Ask how?
Badmash punctured all my condoms with pin
 
• A policewoman taking a bath but forgot her panties. She calls her for police dog to fetch it. She let the dog smell her pussy, the dog came back with her baton
 
• Teacher: Why are you rubbing oil on your head while I am teaching?
Boy: Last night I heard my mum tell my dad, rub oil on the head if it’s not going in
 
• Q: What did Stayfree tell to condom?
A: Boss if you fail, both of us will be out of business for next 9 months
 
• Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t
 
• What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
Slut is the one who gives it to everybody, and the bitch is the one who doesn’t gives it to you
 
• Santa give twelve roses to his wife, Jeeto, who is thrilled with Santa’s action She undresses, lies down spreads her legs and says this is for the roses.
Santa: Why, can’t you find a vase
 
• A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.
“How hard is it?” she asks.
About as hard as my dick.” he replies.
“Ok, then pour me some.”
 
• Q: What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming
 
• A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think I could have a urine test done?”
 
• A couple was in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.
When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”
His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass.
 
• Q: Have you heard where many seniors are opting to spend their second or even third honeymoons?
A: Viagara Falls
 
• Last night I tried a Viagra for the first time. When I swallowed it, it got stuck in my throat. This morning I awoke with a stiff neck!
 
• American men say: Women are like cigar, throw them and they are finish
French say: They are like wine glass, break them and they are finish
Punjabi say: They are like cassettes, turn to side B and side A finishes

An older couple is ready to go to sleep

 
• An older couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies on the floor.
The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change”
 
• Q: What does Viagra have in common with Disneyland?
A: One-hour wait, two-minute ride
 
• Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get frisky?”
The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”
“What do you do about it?”
“I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
 
• Q: What’s the ultimate embarrassment for a guy?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose
 
• A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman.
The next day the headlines read: “Nut Bolts and Screws”
 
• What did one ovary say to the other one?
“Did you order any furniture?”
“No. Why?” asked the other.
“Cause there’s two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ”
 
• Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: I don’t know why you’re shaking…she’s gonna eat me
 
• Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts
 
• Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn
 
• Boy to girl: Darling, what is rape?
Girl: It’s the wrong man at the right place
 
• Q: Have you heard about the new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
A: One cup and you’re up all night
 
• A man is on a train and is carrying three babies. The lady sitting next to him asks, “Are they your babies?”
The man lowers his head and says, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints”
 
• A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”
He replies, “No.”
She responds, “Oh, thank goodness, I don’t want to get that again”
 
• What happened to your face, Preeto?
I was beaten mercifully by my husband, Banta.
Banta? I thought he is out of town these days.
Unfortunately, I thought the same too
 
• Banta was in his apartment wearing only the slips. His wife, Preeto, said, “Dress up, guests must be coming every moment.”
“Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me.”
“Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you”
 
• Q: Why does law of society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service
 
• Q: Why do lawyers and prostitutes do not engage in sex? A: Because there would be a dispute on who would charge
 
• Q: What’s blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a mosquito, it will stop sucking
 
• Q: What is the difference between a Micro-wave oven and a woman?
A: Micro-wave oven does not scream when you put a piece of meat in it
 
• Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under
 
• Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death…
 
• Secret of long life…
Morning 2 eggs
Evening 2 pegs and
Night 2 legs
 
• The Dean of Women of girls school was lecturing on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A girl rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
 
• Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift
 
• Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her Legs
 
• Jeeto lying nude on the bed with her legs wide apart asks Santa, “Do you know what it means?”
Santa says, “Yes, it means that you need the whole bed to sleep”
 
• A Roman girl asks an Egyptian boy, “What can you do for me?”
The boy replies, “Come behind the pyramid, I shall make you a mummy”
 
• Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken
 
• Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going
 
• A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst
 
• Girl to Mom: when I see the neighbour’s son, my bra tightens.
Mom: Next time, don’t wear the bra, his pant would tighten
 
• “That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbour.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did… though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops
 
• Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power
 
• Q: What’s a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to prevent pregnancy
 
• Woman stands in front of a mirror and tells her husband, “I’m ugly. My boobs are sagging, and my arse is too fat. Give me a compliment.”
The hubby retorts, “Your eyesight is fucking spot on”
 
• Friends are like underwear – always a comfort.
Good friends are like condom – always protecting.
Great friends are like viagra – lift you up when you are down
 
• A kiss is called:
Humanity if its on cheek,
Love if its on lips,
Passion if its on breast,
Sensuous if its on navel,
Sex if its on vagina,
and Bravery if its on asshole…
 
• Santa to Preeto: SMS me than SMS me.
Preeto: What is that?
Santa: Stimulate Me sexually than Satiate ME Sexually
 
• This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says, “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says, “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair”
 
• A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, “I’d like 99 condoms please”.
With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, “99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!”
The guy replies, “Make it 100 then…”
 
• A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that 6 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too… they were laughing so hard
 
• Dracula dies and goes to Heaven. God asks him, what does he want to be?
He replies, “A thing with wings, that sucks peoples’ blood…”
God makes him WHISPER ULTRA WITH WINGS
 
• What similar things would you want in your coffee and girl friend?
Should be hot
Should be rich
Should be creamy
Should be able to keep you awake all night!
 
• Patient: “Doc, you gotta help me. I’m under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.”
Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.”
Patient: “I just did, you fucking jackass”

 
• Q: What’s hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T?
A: A coconut
 
• A couple just married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with hole and she was happy with the thing
 
• “How embarrassing,” said the blond, “The party invitation plainly said ‘Black Tie Only’. When I showed up, everyone was wearing suits too.”
 
• Three things in Golf that sound dirty: After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
Lift your head and spread your legs.
Damn, I missed the hole again
 
• Q: Why was Iraq war like anal sex?
A: It was an invasion you couldn’t see.
It was painful without oil.
No way did you see Bush at the front
 
• Q: Why was Philip’s girlfriend disappointed?
A: Because she found out that Philips 14″ was a television
 
• Q: What arte the 3 words men hate to hear during sex?
A: Are U done?

Q: What are the 3 words women hate to hear during sex?
A: Honey, I am home
 
• Three guys introduced to a girl.
Hi, I am Peter-not a Saint.
Second: I am Paul-not a Pope.
Third: I am John- not a Baptist.
The girl retorts back. Nice to see you all. I am Mary-not a Virgin
 
• Santa: I am tired of changing condom everyday.
Jeeto: Why don’t you get your dick laminated as you have done with your Cell phone
 
• Some gals beg and some gals borrow,
some gals lead and some gals follow,
some brings joy and some bring sorrow,
but best of all are girls that swallow
 
• Q: What makes a happy man?
A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing persons
 
• Q: To make it straight she pulls it, to make it stand she rubs it, to make it stiff she licks it, to let it in she pushes it. What is she doing? A: Threading a needle
 
• Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman’s underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both dissappear at night
 
• Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass
 
• Doc to man with leg burns: Two weeks of bed rest, two tubes of anti burn cream and viagra.
Man: Viagra? Is it good for burns?
Doc: No but it will keep the sheet off your legs
 
• A kid asked the priest, Father, what is your pastime?”
The priest tapped the kid’s shoulder and immediately answered, “Nun, my child, Nun!”
 
• Q: Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
 
• Teacher: Use “harrasment” in a sentence.
Johnnie: Her mouth said no but “her ass meant yes
 
• Once at a fancy dress party, a woman appears nude, painted fully white.
A man asks, “What are you?”
She replies, “I’m the mint with a hole!”
 
• Height of foolishness:
A woman bathing in a transparent bathroom and Santa looking through the key hole
 
• Santa giving speech to deaf people, rubs chest, touches groin and starts masturbating. When asked, he said, “It means ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…”
 
• Q: What’s common betwen men and video?
A: Both go backward… forward… backward… forward… backward…. forward… stop and eject

Why do 99% of the girls

• Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because,…99% of the guys are right handed!
 
• David, “So, Mike, how’s it going with the ladies?”
“Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects,” said Mike.
David asked, “Really?” “Yep,” said Mike, “whenever I mention sex, they object.”
 
• A man approaches a woman and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
The woman replies, “No thanks, there’s an ass in there already.”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks.
 
• Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman and suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!
 
• “Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love, “Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married?”
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so. I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”
 
• Q: Why was the gay sergeant fired?
A: For the way he drilled his troops.
 
• A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her, “Excuse me ma’am, can I smell your pussy?”
She replies, “Hell no!”
“Well then,” he says, “It must be your feet!”
 
• Ever wonder why your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
 
• Q: What did the blonde’s mum say to her before her date.
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.
 
• I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.
 
• Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.
 
• One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for drunken driving, and said, “You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you want to say anything?”
The drunk replied, “Nice boobs.”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
 
• Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
 
• Doctor’s Note: There is no sign of a fever, but her husband has stated she was very hot in bed last night.
 
• Q: “Where is an elephants sex organ?
A: In his feet. If he steps on you, you’re fucked.”
 
• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is.
I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
 
• A blonde finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said.
“Foreplay is an art.”
“You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I’m about to spill my paint!”
 
• Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced?
A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!
 
• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
 
• It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face stiff sentencing.
 
• Good girl: It’s hard to be good.
Bad girl: Yes. If it’s not hard, it isn’t any good.
 
• It has been determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position:
The husband sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!
 
• Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I’m going in!
 
• Q: What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.
 
• Q: What’s the height of Frustration:
A: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
 
• Q: Why did Jeeto keep the door open while taking a bath?
A: Because she was afraid that someone might see through the key hole.
 
• Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed.
 
• Q: Why are egyptian children are always confused about their parents?
A: Because their daddies become mummuies after death.
 
• The farmer’s neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss.
She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and say, “Boy, I’d sure like to have some of That!”
He says, “Well, you’d best run get you a cup. I’m ’bout through.”
 
• A drunken man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
“What the hell do you think your doing. There’s a public toilet 20 meters from here!”
The man, amazed, yells back. “What do you think I have, a hose?”
 
• Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn’t that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
 
• Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A: A pubic hair.
 
• Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis…even a thought can raise it.
 
• There’s a scream from the bedroom. Santa runs in and there’s a guy leaping out of the window.
His wife, Jeeto, says, “Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!”
Santa says, “Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he fucked you once?”
Jeeto says, “Because I thought it was you…until he started for the second one.”
 
• A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.”
He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.”
She says, “How much for all night?”
 
• Banta and Preeto had got married, and she was at the drug store looking at the men’s toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don’t know what type he uses.”
The clerk says, “Is it the ball type?”
“No,” says Preeto, it’s for his underarms.”
 
• Q: What did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband when she cheated on him?
A: “Honey, I’ve gone public.”
 
• A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, some climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
 
• Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
 
• Q: A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
A: He replied, “Depends, if I can find a phone.”
 
• Q: What’s the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of peace and quiet.
 
• If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
 
• For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
 
• Q: What’s the definition of a real loser?
A: A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
 
• One day a wife of a hunter found him with his lover. She took a gun and aimed it at her husband’s testicles.
The hunter, “Stop! Don’t do that! It’s unfair! You don’t give me a chance to save!”
The wife, “Ok, sway them to and fro.”
 
• Q: Why did God give women boobs and nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men!
 
• My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It’s such a shame. He was the best veterinarian in town.
 
• Man to his ex-wife’s husband: So how was the 2nd hand stuff?
Ex-wife’s husband: Not bad. After first 3 inches, it’s brand new.
 
• Vagina to penis: Surrender! I have you surrounded!
 
• Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
 
• Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
 
• Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
 
• Q: How is college like a woman ?
A: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you’d never come.
 
• Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
 
• A Dentist was removing a tooth of a lady, he said, “Mam you are holding my balls”.
She said,” I know, its just to remind you that we are not going to hurt each other”.
 
• A businessman comes home from work, and before he can even say anything to his wife, she greets him with a deep, passionate kiss. Then she pulls him into the bedroom, pushes him down on the bed, unzips his fly and shows him a great time.
Afterward, he stares fondly at her, then asks, “All right, what did you do to the car this time?”
 
• “Hello, baby,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you some.”
“Listen,” said the woman, nonplussed, “If you can hold it in one hand, I’m not interested.”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s often difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
 
• Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
 
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it…so I said, “Implants?”
 
• A man is doing push up’s on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing loudly and says, “Sorry to tell u this but the woman below has left!”
 
• Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you’re married?
A: Only if you’re late for the ceremony.
 
• A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life.
The hubby complains, “You never tell me when you are having an orgasm?”
The wife replies, “How can I? You are never here.”
 
• Q: What is the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.
 
• A little girl is talking to her mother and says, “Mommy, I just found out our neighbor’s son has a penis like a peanut!”
The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, “You mean it’s small?”
The little girl replies, “No, it’s salty.”
 
• Human tastes change as people mature. Little girls like dolls and little boys like balls.
However, when they grow up, girls like balls and boys like dolls.
 
• Q: What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: “Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!”
 
• Santa gives 12 roses to his wife, Jeeto. Jeeto is thrilled.
She undresses, lies down on the bed and spreads her legs and says, “This is for the roses”.
Santa exclaims, “why can’t you find a vase?”
 
• Q: What’s the definition of a healthy virgin?
A: One who has never been bed-ridden
 
• A girl got a bird tattooed below her navel. After sex, she asks her boyfriend, “Did you notice my birdy?”
The guy says, ” Not exactly. I was concentrating on the nest”
 
• Santa’s keep dies. Her husband is calm but Santa furiously moans her death.
Her husband finally consoles Santa. “Don’t worry, I’ll marry again”
 
• Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
A: She’s the one putting a condom on her vibrator

Mom, hey

• Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!” The bride-to-be was ecstatic. “Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother. “Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.” • The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, “Where do babies come from?” Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, “From the stork of course!” The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, “But mom, who fucks the stork?” • A judge charged 10,800 fine to a man, when asked why 10,800 judge replied 10,000 for rape and 8% entertainment tax. • I hate it when people point to their wrists to ask for the time !! I mean, seriously, do I point to my crotch when I need a bathtroom?!?! • Q: Do you know who is the best goalkeeper in this world ? A: Women, no matter how much and which way you fuck her, your balls will never go in. • Breaking news: The latest gizmo to hit the market is a wallet made of Penis skin. When one rubs it, it expands to become a suitcase. • Two women were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!” • Pappu did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, “Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.” “How disgusting! I am sure your father could have done that.” “No ma’m, he couldn’t have. It has to be the Bull.” • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed “That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!” • Rich women are getting nose jobs, boob jobs, eye jobs — everything but actual jobs. • Q: What do u get when you have sex with a judge, a banker & an architect? A: Judge- Honorable discharge. Banker – premature withdrawal. Architect- illegal erection. • Q: What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? A: You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is. • Ever wondered why A, B, C, D, E & F are used for bra sizes? A for Almost boobs B for Barely there C for Can do D for Damn good E for Enormous and F for Fake • Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies? He had to…. his wife kept getting pregnant. • An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. “I told you I haven’t got any money,” the spinster said, “but if you keep doing that, I’ll write you a check.” • Height of irritation: Hanging from a cliff with an ant on your balls. • The difference between your girlfriend & your wife: Your girlfriend touches your hair, your cock stands! Your wife touches your cock, your hair stands! • Three men were discussing wives. First says my wife is very cold. Second says mine is very hot. Santa says I am confused I think she is cold but people say she is hot. • Husband was in pain as a honeybee bite at his penis, wife pray o god please take the pain away but leave the swelling. • A priest saw a girl removin her blouse. He prayed. “God please close my eyes.” When he opened his eyes the girl was naked. This time he prayed, “God please close your eyes.” • A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asked the wife about the problem. “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation,” she said. “Is this true?” the counselor asked, turning to the husband. “Well, not exactly,” he replied. “She’s the one who suffers, not me.” • A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?” She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?” • Any relatively reasonable and good thinking man would wonder every evening: Should I go and look at what I cannot fuck or stay home and fuck what I cannot look at? • In a train, Santa’s son’s, Pappu’s top berth is taken by someone. His wife, Jeeto is on the middle berth. Santa complains to the TT, ” A man sleeping over my wife is not giving berth to my son.” • One blonde tells another blonde: “I’ve done a pregnancy test.” Asks the other blonde: “And, were the questions difficult?” • Q: What does PMS stand for? A: Penis Must Suffer • Banta was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Banta jumped forward, and screamed, “That’s her! That’s her! I’d recognize her anywhere!” • “Great, just what I need,” she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. “One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.” • We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes – then they kicked us out of the showroom. • I hate it when people point to their wrist to ask for the time! I mean. seriously, do I point to my ‘Dick” when I need a rest room! • It has been studied and determined that the most often used Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs…And the wife rolls over and plays dead. • A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it’s not to bright and it spreads easily. • Q: What’s the best form of birth control after 50? A: Nudity. • Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs. • Q: What’s the difference between a bar and a G spot? A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar. • A divorced man meets his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: “So… how do you like using second hand stuff?” To which the new husband replied: “It isn’t that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it’s all brand new.” • A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!” “Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.” • My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!……… So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat. • Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.” • There’s a fire at the whorehouse… …some come out running and others run out coming • The Englishman says, “I’ve got ten children, one more and I’ll have a football team.” The American says, “I’ve got fourteen children, one more and I’ll have a rugby team.” The Arabian says, “I’ve got seventeen wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course.” • A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. “Hey, let’s play a game” she said. “What game?” was his bored reply. “Let’s play hide’n’seek. I’ll give you a blow-job if you can find me.” “What if I can’t find you?” “I’ll be behind the piano.” • Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! • A man and his wife are f**king. 15 minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, “What’s the matter, darling, can’t you think of anyone else, either?” • Boy: Dad, what did you wear for safe sex? Father: A wedding ring. • A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity. Teacher, “Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?” Little Johnnie, “In the Garden of Eden?” • As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. “Do you know what time we quit around here ?” he asked. “Sure !” the girl nervously giggled. “Whenever somebody knocks on the door.” • “I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.” – J. Hutter • Q: Do you love me ? A: What do you think ? That I’m doing pushups?” • In the clubhouse one-woman golfer said to another, “I got injured between the first and second hole.” “That’s a bitch,” said the other woman, “You will never get a band aid to stick there!” • Have you heard the one about the gay who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends? • Smoking reduces ur life by 5 mins. Sex increases ur life by 10 min. So the conclusion is that a f**king smoker never dies. • Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone else’s business! • Q: What is the similarity between a dick and a matchstick? A: Both have head without brains and they both flare up at slightest friction. • A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are assholes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an asshole.” • Q: What is the definition of old age? A: When it takes the whole night to do what you used to do the whole night! • Santa, “I am suffering with loose motions. Doctor, “Have you tried lemon Santa, “Yes I have but when I remove it, they continue.

One of my friend

• One of my friend has named his 3 kids NC, MC and ABC!
I asked why, he said: 1st Natural Curiosity, 2nd Mutual Consent & 3rd Absolute Bloody Carelessness.
 
• Man pays Rs 1000 to a prostitute, but she runs away. He chases but fails.
He puts a notice: If anyone finds sexy gal in white top and red skirt fuck her. Its PRE-PAID
 
• Banta and his shapely date were parked under a romantic moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, “I love you.”
With a deep sigh, the girl replied, “A little higher.”
“I love you,” came the higher-pitched reply.
 
• A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied.
What’s up. Havn’t you ever seen a naked woman?
No. I’m just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.
 
• Q: What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster?
A: My zipper!
 
• Latest porn releases: Shaving Private Ryan, Position Impossible, As Big As It Gets, Forest Hump, Riding Miss Daisy, Starwhores and Pornocchio.
 
• Santa’s son: Papa tusi papa kis tarah baney?

Santa: Puttar pa pa ke.
 
• A blonde, suffering from sore throat, goes to see the doctor. He asks her to sit down.
He gets out his torch and says, “Open wide.”
“I can’t, the chair’s fitted with arms.”
 
• If you feel stressed out, try to have SEX. It helps you to relax. Do you know how to have SEX?
Let me teach you
S = Sleep
E = Eat
X = Exercise!
Dont think dirty
 
• Director commands during shooting a porn film:
LIGHTS
CAMERA
MUSIC
ERECTION (ACTION)
 
• An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl: ” 5 times!?!”
Old man: “No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?”
 
• Mother was scolding the daughter, “I don’t like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb.”
“No, mamma,” she said, “He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month.”
 
• Q: What’s the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
 
• What’s common between the Sun & women’s underwear?
1) Both are hot
2) Both look better while going down
3) Both disappear by night
 
• Q: What’s the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.
 
• A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’
The woman wrote, “When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.”
And Bob wrote, “I love sex.”
 
• Q: Why did the blond have lipstick on her steering wheel?
A: She tried to blow the horn.
 
• Q: Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?
A: To keep here legs closed.
 
• “It was just a simple misunderstanding,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
“Explain that statement!” demanded the judge.
“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her.”
 
• Your Name?
Abu Dalah Sarafi.
Sex?
Four times a week.
No, no, no male or female?
Male, female… sometimes camel.
 
• Santa was in his apartment wearing only the slips. Jeeto said, “Dress up, guests must be coming every moment.”
“Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me.”
“Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you.”
 
• A pussy-cat says to a tom-cat:
Let’s play hide’n’seek. If you find me, you may screw me, if not, I’m in the wardrobe!
 
• BEEP…
You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline.
Press one to continue. (pause)
Now, press the other one.
BEEP…
 
• Q: What does a hen think when a cock runs after her?
A: She thinks, “I hope I’m running not too fast.”
 
• Two flowers:
I love you, darling!!!
I love you, too!!!
I want you so much!!! Where the fuck are those darned bees?
 
• “WOW!” – said gynaecologist.
“WOW!!!” – answered him the echo.
 
• Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?
 
• A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them.
The clerk asked her, “Need a screw for those hinges?”
“No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?”
 
• A lady goes to a dentist,she sits on the chair & starts taking off her clothes.
Dentist: Err..mam I’am not a gynaecologist.
Lady, I know, I just want you to remove my husband’s denture.
 
• A SSC class is told to draw a woman’s reproductive system. One girl is so shy she’s facing down.
A boy YELLS: Sir, she’s copying from the originals.
 
• Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car.
The stranger, “Psssssst! Hey kid!”
“Yeah?”
Stranger, “I’ll give a piece of candy to come in my car.”
Little Johnny, “Give me the whole damn bag and I’ll come in your mouth!”
 
• Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross your mind?
Husband: That you are a lesbian.
 
• A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”
“Sure” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.
 
• The prayer of a Catholic girl, “Oh Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”
 
• The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?”
“I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.”
 
• Son: What’s the difference between Love, relief and belief ?
Father: Your mom is love, your maid is my relief and I’m your Dad- well that’s my belief.
 
• A man calls in sick, telling his boss, “I have rectal glaucoma.”
“What’s that?” asks the boss.
The man says, “I just can’t see my ass coming in to work today.”
 
• The boss went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?”
“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.
The boss replied, “Good, then you fire her!”

I told my wife

 
• I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, “You did last night – three times!”
 
• Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
“Do you wash?” the doc asked the rank young girl.
“Oh, yes,” Mary answered. “Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible.”
“Well,” the doc concluded, “go home and wash possible.”
 
• The sexy secretary walked into her boss’s office & said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You aren’t sterile…..”
 
• Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!”
The second old fogey one-upped him. “My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.”
 
• A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said: Gee, you’re fat!
The fat man: Yeah.
The second man asked: How long’s it been since you’ve seen your dick?
The fat man answered: Long time.
The second man asked: Why don’t you diet?
The fat man asks: Why? What color is it now?
 
• A woman walks into a gynaecologist’s office who greets her with: At your cervix, madam!
The woman replies: Dilated to meet you!
 
• A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wie yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
 
• My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking
 
• Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down
 
• “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
“Honey,” he continued, “what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
His wife thought for a moment, then replied, “That I married you for your money.”
 
• Q: What does a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
 
• Litte Boy: Daddy, where did I come from?
Daddy: You came from the stork
Little Boy: Ewww, you fuc ked a stork?
 
• A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
Recruiter: Gay, huh? Do you think you could kill a man?
“My, yes,” the man giggled, “but it would take days & days”
 
• What do you do if you come across a girl in your bed?
Apologise and wipe it off!
 
• Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre: Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh’s highest paid call girl
 
• Did you hear that Elton John is getting a divorce…….Found out his husband was having sex behind his back
 
• As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, “How was your weekend?”
“I played a round of golf… I hit two of my best balls,” he replied.
“Tell me about it,” asked his co-worker.
“Well, er, I stepped on a rake”
 
• A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl’s chest and says, “Big breaths.”
The girl replies, “Yeth and I’m not even thixteen.”
 
• What did the Hen say when Rooster tried to rape her?
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckaaak
 
• Sant,a unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta’s advice.
While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change?
Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta
 
• Q: Why are babies so fragile?
A: They are put together with one screw.
 
• Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
One day we should get her for this, said the first boy.
I agree. We’ll grab her… said the second.
The third guy: And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!
 
• Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnnie: Sure, back of the church yard.
 
• Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.
 
• What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
 
• Two prostitutes were talking:
We’re in the best business in the world
Why’s that then?
Well, we’ve got it, we sell it, and we’ve STILL got it!
 
• One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy says: No, but I’ve woken up with plenty
 
• A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession.
Prostitute: I’m a social engineer.
Policeman: What do u do?
Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
 
• Q: Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer doesn’t laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.
 
• A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheeps: “205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210….”
 
• When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it’s like buying a book for someone else to read.
 
• The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.
 
• A French n a Brit gynecologists were chatting. French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That’s a lie, she wouldn’t be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.
 
• Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.
 
• A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written ‘Press’, so I just pressed…
 
• Signboard outside a prostitute’s house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy…
 
• A professor was asked to give a talk on Sex
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…”
And he sat back down.
 
• Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, “Good evening ladies.

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