Archive for Sms

What does PMS stand for

• Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Penis Must Suffer
• Dentist didnt get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What’s this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.
• I’ve invented a fly spray that doesn’t kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
• If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
And if it bursts in a man’s underwear?
Banana split.
• Old chinese proverb says: Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok.
• Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can’t!
• Wife, stark naked, stands on her head in bed.
Husband: What the hell are you doing?
Wife: I figured if you can’t get it up, you could surely drop it in.
• What’s the diff between a bomb n a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
• Sometimes I call my husband ‘Q’,” the wife told her friend.
Her friend asked: Why’s that? Is he some kinda superguy like that man on Star Trek?
No, he’s a big fat zero with a little dick hangin’ down.
• Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman: I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.
The second woman: Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!
To which the first replies: Wow! I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!
• A woman with 14 children, ranging in age from 1-14, went to court to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
“When did he leave you?” the judge asked.
“Thirteen years ago,” the tired mother replied.
The judge was confused. “Well, if he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?”
“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”
• Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
• The Five Sizes of Penises: 1. Small, 2. Medium, 3. Large, 4. Oh My God!, and 5. Is that available in white?
• Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up and man wants blood back. She throws a used tampon at him and says: Pay you monthly, you bastard!
• Ladies Hostel Caught Fire… It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control…and 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
• One car salesmen complained to the other, “Business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
“That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”
• Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls’ bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifebuoy.
• Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile!
• 3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.
Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?
One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
• Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in your ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I have been cumin in ur mouth for 15 years & ur still fuckin talking.
• Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?
Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell you yellow to the front & brown to the back!
• Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed.
A reporter said: Tarzan, what is your wife’s name?
Tarzan replied: Jane.
The reporter then said: No, what is her whole name?
Tarzan answered: Pussy.
• Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives? DrinKING,
• Women are like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people laugh at you.
• A man meets a lady at a bar and says: Hi, what’ ur name?
She replies: Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what’s urs?
Man replies: Beer cunt!
• Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2 vibrator I don’t know why you are fuckin shaking, she’s goin 2 eat me!
• Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!
• After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks: Do you want more sex?
She says: No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it.
• A gal tells her Doctor: I’ve got a bad discharge.
He fingers her & says how’s it feel?
Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.
• The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty!
• A lady walks into the dentist’s office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
“You must have made a mistake,” says the shocked dentist, “The gynecologist’s office is one level higher.”
To that the lady replies, “No mistake, you installed my husband’s dentures last week, now you’ll be the one getting them out.”
• These two fags were doing what comes unnaturally when they were disturbed by a policeman.
They ran and hid in an alley. The policeman searched and eventually found one of them.
He told him, “when I catch your boyfriend I’m going to shove this nightstick right up his ass.”
Just then a voice from a nearby dustbin called, “I’m over here officer!”
• A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacist and said: I would like a box of Sex-Lax.
The pharmacist smiled and replied: You must mean Ex-Lax.
“No,” the man responded: I don’t have any trouble going.
• A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.
A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
• What’s the diff between hook in cricket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.
• “It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
“Explain that statement!” demanded the judge.
“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her.”
• The boss went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?”
“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.
The boss replied, “Good, then you fire her!”
• An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”
“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.
“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”
• Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.
• Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just 4 fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back.
• One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!
The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside!
• ‘Great, just what I need,’ she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. ‘One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.’
• Q: If a married woman is called Polo… The mint with a hole, then what’s an unmarried woman called?
A: Center Fresh.
• To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know!
• Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?
Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.
• A Survey Report: 65% of all women carry condoms. The other 35% carry babies.
• Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside.
• Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.

What is Female Viagra

• What is Female Viagra
• A old woman calls the Police department and says: I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!
• Teacher: What do u know about Sensex?
Pappu When we have sex with Riya Sen, Raima Sen, Rimi Sen, Konkana Sen & Sushmita Sen etc. it’s called Sen Sex!
• The saddest part of a Man’s body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
• Girl: Xcuse me brother, that’s my seat.
Boy: OK! But I’m not ur brother, my father never fucked ur mom.
Girl: True, but my father did !
• Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted…!
• Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or….Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at….
• Sex n shopping have one thing in common: In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
• How do you define a virgin?
On the Verge but not in!
• What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man’s job!!
• A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.
• What do politicians and porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.
• On a NUDE beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.
• Why do men get circumcised?
Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!!
• What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
• Todays generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What’s a balcony ?
• A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Th Man: All right then how about on the last date?
• Q: What did the sign s on the door the door of the Whorehouse say?
• Q: What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?
A: Fuck-fuck-fuck…… fuck-fuck-fuck.
• A man raced into to the gents toilets in a pub, ran up to the urinal, whipped out his 12 inch dick and said with a sigh of relief, “Phew, just made it!”
The man next to him, looked over and said, “Pretty impressive, could you make me one too!”
• The young couple were holding hands in the Nudist camp.
Guy: When I tell you I love you why do you always lower your eyes?
Girl answered shyly: To see if it’s true
• Advice of a dentist: Treat your girl friend like a toothbrush. Dont let anybody else use it and get a new one every 3 months!
• Q: What is common between a girl’s legs n Amul butter?
Both are delicious when spread.
• Mr Chu from China & Mr Tiya from Korea came to India & setup a Firm. Till now, they have no Business & are still wondering why their firm: CHUTIYA & CO. failed?
• Doctors have discovered that most single women can’t fart. Apparently, they don’t have an asshole until they get married to one.
• What’s the difference between a thin prostitute and a counterfeit note?
One is a phony buck and the other is a boney fuck.
• A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said: I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thought for a few moments, then said: Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.
• Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.
• Q: What’s the difference between a policeman’s knightstick and a magician’s wand?
A: A Magician’s wand is for cunning stunts.
• When God made me, He asked, “Great Memory or Giant Penis?”. I cant remember what I said.
• Marriage: Where you have to keep paying for sex long after you had it.
• Virgin Airline ad: We are much more experienced than our name suggests!
• One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?
The second guy: No, but I’ve woken up with a few.
• What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days.
• What’s common between U and Christmas tree?
The balls are just for decoration.
• Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
• Kiss- Height of luv
Nipple- Peak of luv
Boobs- Shape of luv
Penis- Length of luv
Pussy- Depth of luv
Ass- Base of luv
Testicles- Weight of luv
Fuck- Experience of luv
Suck- Taste of luv
Masturbation- Substitute of luv
Condom- Care of luv
Sperm- Cream of luv
Marriage- Mistake of luv
Pregnancy- Proof of luv
Child- Outcome of luv

When gambling became

• When gambling became legal in the city, everyone agreed that the city was now a bettor place.
• There was the scientist who disconnected his doorbell. He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.
• Q: What time is it when most people go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-Hurty!
• Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences – he thought he was God, I didn’t.
• Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
• People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
• A teenage boy to his father: Here’s my report card and a list I’ve compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.
• The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!”
• A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U Xpect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure it’s 25,000
• Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily – you will die10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily – you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly – you will die daily!
 What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused…? I knew you would be!
• How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS !
• If you never want to see a man again, say: I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children – they leave skid marks.
• Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we’re incompatible. I’m a Virgo and he’s an a@@hole.
• Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.
• Bhatti declares: I’ll never marry in my life and I’ll give same advice to my children also.
• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.
• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS
• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
• What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
• My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.
• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.
• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”
• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
• “Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire'”
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.
• Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
• Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal
• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Bhatti: Control urself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?
• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
• A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” said the Frenchman.
• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”
The psychology professor replied, “Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs.”
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations–we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together
• Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter
• Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He’s very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.
• Bhatti & Butt were walking in the highlands then suddenly Bhatti fell down in a deep hole.
Butt: Are you ok?
Bhatti: Fine thanks!
Butt: Did you break anything?
Bhatti: No, there’s nothing down here!
• An old: Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That’s not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.
• Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
• It isn’t widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.
• There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads “We may never piss this way again.”
• Bhatti always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
• Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world’s largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can’t b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

A blonde calls

• A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just shit in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?
• Bhatti falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”
• Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. ‘Anything new at work?’
He replied, ‘No, I’m teaching History.’
• Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. ‘I know,’ replied the other, ‘I heard it snore three times.
• Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.”
A man on the other end replied, “Yeah, and this is a street light!”
• Bhatti enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
• Boss: I’ll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I’ll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Bhatti: In 3 months.
• A girl proposed to Bhatti and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!
• I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn’t type.
• Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,”
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
• An army sergeant told Bhatti to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
“I thought I told you to go to the end of the line,” barked the sergeant. “Why did you come back?”
“Because there’s already somebody there!”
• A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!
• A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
• Bhatti tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, “I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you’ll never be able to work again.”
Bhatti replied, “Okay, now what’s the bad news?”
• An application for job came in with an applicant’s picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: “Picture on front”.
• What’s the difference between me and a Viking?” Olli asked.
“No idea, said Ville.”
“When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that’s when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that’s when the real war begins.”
• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINK
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!
• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
• Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, “My butt is going to sleep.”
“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.”
• Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
• People who do lots of work…make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work…make less mistakes,
People who do no work…make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes…get promoted.
• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
• Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you’re a lawyer.
• Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
• Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
• Mom: Where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.
• Customer: Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller.
• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
“Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
• In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn’t care – they would have married him anyway.
• I’ve invented a fly spray that doesn’t kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
• Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I’m still making payments.
• Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re a BOMB!
• Bhatti in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”
• Two taxicab drivers met.
“Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”
“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”
• Husband: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “I’m glad to see you.” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.”
“Don’t get too excited friend.” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
• The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.”
“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”
• Q: What’s the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it’s hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!

A rabbi took a job

• A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, “I wish you long life”.
• Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
• Q: How do you recognize a Bhatti’s son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
• Butt was visiting Bhatti, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Bhatti responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Butt: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
“HELLOOOOOO,” answered Bhatti. “They’re watch dogs!”
• A teacher asked Pappu: What’s the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what “DC” stood for, Pappu added, “Dot com!”
• Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
• Bhatti: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Butt: Me too, after you leave.
• Sign in a pathology: It might be piss and shit for u, but for us it is bread and butter.
• Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
• Heght of optimism:
Soldier: Sir, we are surrounded!
Major: Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!
• Said to a railroad engineer: What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
Rilroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?
• A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what is a lover?”
“A lover?” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov…. Lover…. Oh, my God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say “Uh-huh” or “Yes dear” or “I’m sorry” ?
• Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
• Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that’s where you get your shitty ideas from!
• The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
No, your honor,” replied Butt, “I’ve got a lawyer to do the defendin’. I’m the person who done it.
• Jeeto: I didn’t know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early & found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.
• Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
• Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.
• Q: Why was Bhatti writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
• Bhatti’s inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
• A politician’s most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year – and to explain afterwards why it didn’t happen.
• There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
What happened to this one?
I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
• “Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.
“Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law” replied Jim.
“I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face schratched all over?”
“It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
• “Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.
“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be. “He and my husband don’t get along.”

A beggar walks

• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him & said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
• When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
• Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, “Maro dikro Dubai gayo?”
A: My son drowned.
• Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, “Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon” ?
A: Ramesh’s son failed in statistics…
• Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.
• Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.
• Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
• Jeeto: If I die what’ll you do?
Bhatti: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Bhatti: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
• Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.
• Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
• The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘ll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks.
• Q: Why do blondes keep empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case they want a black coffee.
• Q: Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
A: To check his balance.
• The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Bhatti Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Bhatti Claus.
He is Bhatti Claus.
• Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
• Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
• My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on its back.
• Panting and sweating, Bhatti and Butt on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill.
“That was a tough climb,” said Butt.
“Sure was,” replied Bhatti. “And if I hadn’t kept the brakes on, we would have slid down backward.”
• A woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her and says, “Hi, honey, want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman. “Do you have one to sell?”
• Q: Why are Egyptian’s Children always confused??
A: Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
• An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Bhatti was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Bhatti shouted, “Kya nishana lagaya hai!”
• Butt: Why is the Police nicknamed “The heart of the country”?
Bhatti: It beats, beats, beats….
• Once Professor Bhatti asked a plumber to come to his college. You know whyy?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
• Q: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can’t get it he uses his hands?
A: Fork
• Bhatti: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means…Without Information Fighting Evrytime!
Jeeto: It could also mean – With Idiot For Ever.
• Bhatti: What kind of a wife do you want?
Pappu: Exactly like moon; which appears in the night and disappears in the morning!
• Q: What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
• Waiter, waiter, do you have frog’s legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
• Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi tank?
A: Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
• A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, “My father’s dead, Miss.”
“Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?”
“He went blue and collapsed.”
• Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The Month of March!!
• Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
• An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
• Q: Why did the Bhatti put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A: The noise gave him a headache.
• Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
• Bhatti was drawing money from ATM. Butt, who was just behind him in the line said, “Ha! Ha! Haaa! I’ve seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****).
Bhatti replies, “Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258.”

A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver

• A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver, “Hey, do you have room for a 6 pack of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?”
“Sure, plenty of room,” says the cabbie.
So the man leans over into the front seat … and pukes.
• A cop stops a drunk him and asks:
Where you going?
I’m going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?
My wife and mother-in-law!
• Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I’ll take the shit with garlic.
And I’ll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don’t like to have bad breath.
• Doctor, I always am afraid of anything without any reason.
Take this drug three times daily (gives a purgative) and you’ll have the reason!
• A nurse in hospital asks the patient with broken-down head:
Sameer Bhatia.
Date of birth?
06 September 1965.
No. Car accident.
• A psychiatrist says to his patient, “So, you say that you’re happy to pay your taxes…And when did this start?”
• A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, “Take me to The Piccadely Hotel.”
The taxi driver turned round and said, “But we are at The Piccadely Hotel, we’re parked right outside it.” ‘That’s fine then, but next time, don’t drive so damn fast!”
• What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
• A blonde’s response to the comment, “THINK about it!”
“I don’t have to think – I’m blonde!”
• At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying “You are next, you are next.”
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals…!!
• Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Bhatti: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.
• Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
• A morning dialogue:
Butt, “Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years younger.”
Preeto, “But can you shave in the evening then?”
• Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”
“Order, order,” said the Irish judge. “You seem to forget that I am in the room.”
• Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.”
Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit.
• God thought that since he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother-in-law
• Q: Why did the tomato turned red?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.
• What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
• A recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, “I think I’ll just go and shoot myself.”
The sergeant said, “Better take a couple of extra bullets!”
• Height of Patriotism: U sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.
• Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
• Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
• Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
• Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
• Q: How is an ear of corn like an army?
A: It has lots of kernels.
• “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”
“Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
“A judge told him.”

Two blondes were walking

• Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, “Where?”
• My wife always says to me, “Give me money, give me money.”
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
• A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
• A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”?
“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”
• A company held a contest for kids with the theme: “The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me.”
One kid answered “He married my mother.”
• A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach.
The man’s wife sarcastically said, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Sure it does,” he said. “How else could I see the numbers?”
• Preeto was almost in tears. “Oh Kanta,” she said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”
“I don’t believe it for one minute !” Kanta snapped.”You’re just saying that to make me jealous !!!”
• A man walked into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
• Tax Collector: Why don’t you pay your taxes with a smile?
Taxpayer: I’d love to, but you insist on money!
• Sign on Tombstone: “Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.”
• “I can’t find a cause for your illness,” the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” replied his blonde patient, “I’ll come back when you are sober.”
• Bhatti spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
• A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
His father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.”
• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You’re too young to be smoking!
• One day a dog was running behind a Bhatti… But Bhatti was laughing.
Butt asked, “Why you are so happy?
He said… “Ah Ah Ah….I have an Airtel mobile with me…But Still Hutch network is following me..”
• Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”
• Bhatti, “I am a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Butt, “What is he studying?”
Bhatti, “He’s not studying, they are studying him!”
• It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
• Q: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
A: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
• The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
• When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. –Marcel Achard
• Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They’re cramming for their finals.
• Q: What is a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
• Q: What’s the difference between women an government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
• I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
• Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else’s wife.
• Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Bhatti: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.
• The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, “All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, ‘I resign’.”
• Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
• A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs 250.
• Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, “I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
• Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
• Q: What’s the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
A: On one you’re thankful and on the other you’re prankful!
• Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A: Because they’ve just finished a long March!
• A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, when he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”
• I asked Mom if I was a gifted child.
She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
• His wife said: “Be an angel and let me drive.” So he did, and now he is.
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
• A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says that there’s nothin’ special… we just flat out tell’ em they’re gonna die…
• The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”
• A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased – what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad.
• If these pills don’t stop the kleptomania,” said the psychiatrist, “try and get me a nice video camera.

A woman drove

• A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”
• A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
• Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!
• A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
• Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
• A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony’s railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
“Stop him! Stop the bastard!” they shout. “Help the poor woman!”
“She is my mother-in-law,” the man on the balcony says.
“Ah… Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!”
• Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
• Q: What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?
A: Seasonal work.
• The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
• Height of possesiveness: Constipation !!
• Height of honesty: Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare.
• Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Kargil, 1999.”
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”
• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
• When in life, you wake up and you don’t see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
• A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
• During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”
• The Judge said to the defendant. “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
• True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and asking …
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
• Why are all those people running?
They are running a race to get a cup.
Who will get the cup?
The person who wins.
Then why are all the others running?
• Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, “Darling, now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary.”
“But honey,” replied the groom, “you used to be a secretary yourself.”
“Yes,” she continued, “and that’s why I want you to fire her!”
• “How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”
• Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, “Whatever my Mom tells him to.”
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• Professor to noisey students: “Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks.”
• A doctor says to a patient, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!”
• Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.
• When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
• A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
Listener, “She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won’t she?”
“Sure,” replied the man.
“Well, won’t they find out?”
The man shrugged. “But who’ll tell?”
• Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
• An English professor announced to the class; “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool.”
From the back of the room a voice called out, “So, what are the words?”
• The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!”
“What are you worried about?” the other said. “We’re both here.”
• An interviewer asked, “Can you operate a typewriter?”
“Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system.”
“I never heard of it.”
“Seek and ye shall find.”
Have a great day!!
• Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”
• Dave jumped up from the card table white with rage.
“Stop this game,” he shouted, “Joe is cheating!”
“How do you know?”
“He’s not playing the hand I dealt him!”
• The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow
• It isn’t widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
• The good news: Saddam is facing the Death Penalty.
The bad news: Beckham’s taking it !!
• A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said, “Your wife’s mind has completely gone!”
To which the man replied, “I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!”
• “My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food…
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Why is Christmas

• Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!
• Q: What do you call Bhatti’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
• Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Bhatti Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
• Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
• Q: What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine.
• A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub.
“And have you lived here all your life, sir?” asked the tourist.
And the old man, with a wise look, said, “Not yet.”
• The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”
The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”
• During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasn’t important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money.
I overheard a poor kid whisper to his mother, “Did you hear that, Mom? We’re already in heaven.”
• A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?”
He answered, “No.”
The next question, intended for people who had answered “yes” in the last question, was “Why?”
The lawyer answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”
• A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
“Now, young man,” asked the dentist, “what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?”
“Chocolate, please,” replied the youngster.
• A guy walks into a bar and notices three men and a dog playing poker. The dog is playing beautifully. “Thats a smart dog,” the man says.
“Not really,” says one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
• At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived babies a father says, “Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn’t she adorable?”
His friend says, “But your kid didn’t smile.”
The father replies, “I was talking about the nurse”
• “Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
• A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?”
“No,” says the cop.
“What about all these other cars?”
“They didn’t ask”
• One day this black guy walks into a bar with this exotic, colorful parrot on his shoulder.
The man orders a beer and bartender asks, “Wow. That incredible. Were did you get him?”
And the parrot cocks his head back and says, “Africa man, Africa! Their all over the place!”
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion
• Waiter, what is this stuff?
That’s bean salad sir.
I know what it’s been, but what is it now?
• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You are too young to smoke
• Q: Why do Farts stink?
A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too
• After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him”
• Q. What’s the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are serious
• Two programmers walk along the street. The first says to another one, ” Listen, people say that the software for a new american invisible plane, “Stealth-2″ will be worked out by Microsoft”
The secondm, ” I think it is connected with the fact that a new plane must know how to hang up in the air ”
• “Honey, when we get married, I’ll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows.”
“But I don’t have any, my love.”
“I said, when we get married”
• Women are confusing…
Before marriage they expect a man, after marriage they suspect a man, after he dies they respect the man
• Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Because women would not shut up long enough to build up pressure
• Life Insurance Agent:
Don’t let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think
• 1st thief, “Police! Quick! jump out of the window!”
2nd thief, “But this is the 13th floor”
1st: “Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious”
• Bhatti stepped on one of those scales that tell fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.
“Listen,” he said to Jeeto, showing her a small, white card, “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband.”
Jeeto, “And it has your weight wrong, too”

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